Apology

"Begging for help when you turn it down."

Hey F?

I'm sorry I wasn't there. I haven't been in a good place myself.

Salut,

~J

Wishes on a broken lamp

"The walls are closing in."

I wish I had people I could talk to. Everything is eating me from the inside out.

I'm this ball of angst, this ball of anger and frustration. I just want to lash out at everyone, at every fucking thing.

There's no one around. They either find it uncomfortable to be around me, they just don't talk to me or... well, they don't care. It always goes back to that, doesn't it?

"Look man, if you need to talk, I'm here for you."

Like fuck you are. That's what everyone says, and not one of you care enough to talk to me.

I'm trying to be understanding. "Oh, we talk to you, but we don't want to force you to talk to us. We'll wait until you're ready." Don't you guys think that I would need to ease myself into it? No. You don't. All I get is a message or two, maybe a short conversation. Never anything more.

I stay up all night because my dreams are plagued with nightmares. I wake up to blood on my pillow. I feel sick and I barely eat most of the day. I go through the motions, pretending I'm alright, talking a lot because then maybe people wouldn't think anything was wrong. After all, I seem so damn happy all the time, don't I?

Everything keeps going wrong.

I wish there was someone who cared.

I wish there was someone I could open up and talk to.

Salut,

~J

Screw ups and failures

"It's easier to stay down."

I'm failing in everything.

It's 2:30 AM, two days after a birthday that barely anyone remembered, hours after an exam I know I flunked, and a little over an hour after screwing things up once again.

What a great month it's been.

Please let it end, please.

Salut,
~J

If you're reading this-

"There's still time - but what if there isn't?"

Why does moving feel like I'm cheating? This is so unfair. Why can't I fall in love with someone and just move on?

Even my dreams are unrealistic BS that disguise themselves as something that could happen. Why does my subconscious pair me up with someone who doesn't even like me? GAH.

This is so typical.

Thanks, world.

Thanks so much.

You are just so... good to me.

Salut,
~J

New page

"How are you so sure that it's just a temporary problem?"

I should stop clinging to hope. I should start to move on. I should stop being such an idiot.

I should, I should, I should.

Salut,
~J

Resolutions

"New year, new promises."

Two resolutions. One more likely to happen over the other.

It's time to roll the dice.

Salut,
~J

Welcome, new year; welcome.

"It begins to feel like home."

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

Salut,
~J

Nothing good happens at two in the morning.

"Tick tock goes the clock."

It's just... it's hard to believe that she hasn't moved on, when I see her slowly slipping away from me. When that's all I've been seeing for the past few months. When nothing I do gets a reaction that isn't immediately (or almost immediately) followed by a mention of him. When even when I'm lying next to her as she sleeps, the moment she wakes up, the first thing she seems to even want to look at is his face. When I'm a footnote in her world, and all she wanted was an excuse for me to go.

Of course, I could be wrong. But it's just how it looks like to me. I'm not putting any blame. I'm not angry, nor bitter, or anything like that. I was a few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago. I've accepted it.

I'm not expecting anything. Not really.

I'm scrapping the projects. No good will come out of them, it was stupid of me to think of it in the first place.

(I know you need this. I hope you find happiness, even though I know it won't be with me. No, don't argue. Please. Let's be honest. All I do is cause you pain and misery and depression, with little pockets of happiness; you really would be better off away from me.

I'm sorry I'm still doing that to you.)

It's 3:40 AM. I just packed and did my laundry. I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm going to try again, and we'll see what happens.

Salut,
~J

One Step Forward, A Dozen Steps Back

"I've given up, take what's mine; it's just too late to turn back time."

My stomach hurts and there's a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth, at the back of my throat. Most of my projects aren't even done yet.

I'm not even sure why I have them planned. I guess a tiny, stupid part of me is still clinging to the piece in the Ytterbium Chamber. Might as well go all out for one last try, right? Besides, I can still play it off as being just a friend.

Haven't packed, or even done my laundry, either. C'est la vie.

Lost All Hope is a great website. It gives me options and tries to help me. At the least, I've come up with flimsy excuses to go on.

The best one I have right now is, if I see just one picture on Post Secret that I'd like to save, then I have until the next one.

And if there ever is a week...

Well, I have a guy I'm helping out on a FaceBook game. As long as I'm needed, even flimsily, well, might as well stay.

Trying not to step out the door can be pretty hard. Oh well. Only person who'll help you is yourself, and all that.

Salut,
~J

Tired.

"Am I talking to a wall? Am I talking to myself? I'm looking in this mirror, and all I see's a mess."

I'm tired of asking for help.

I'm tired of begging for people to help me, for people to give me aid, because I know that they don't really want to help. Not really. I'm just a nuisance in their lives; I always have been.

I guess... I guess this is my last cry for help. My last try at hoping that there are people who do care about me. People who'll keep checking up on me, making the first attempts at starting conversations.

People who actually give a shit about me still being here, besides a one-off speech about how every life is special, about how I mean so much to them, about how many people I'd hurt...

Yeah. Right.

The same people who never contacted me before, and then doesn't contact me after their little speech is over? The same people who never gave a rat's ass about my well-being, until I forced my problems onto them?

Sure.

I'm making excuses to go on.

After the Winter Break trip. (Because I'm one of the two people responsible for renting the car)
After he's come here and left. (Because I'm fairly sure he's bought the tickets already, so he'd have just wasted money, if I'm not here)
After she has people she can talk to, people she can squeal and fangirl with, people she can gush her love and adoration of him to. (Because she's so close over the edge, and this is among the last things that's keeping her here)

These excuses are all I have left.

And they're running out.

Salut,
~J

Toxic gases on a lonely night

"Breathe it in. Breathe it all in."

I'm pissing away my weekend. I have finals next week, and I'm just lying in bed, getting up to piss, and... that's pretty much it.

I'm on Twitter again, but on a new account. Hopefully no one will find it. If they do, well, I'll just have to make a new one again.

Self-control broke halfway last night. Oh well. Things happen.

In the middle of manipulating events so that I can finally go. Hoping for being able to drink up a month from now. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, though. She deserves that much.

Tu me manques.

Je t'aime, et je suis désolé.

Salut,
~J

It ends

"Why? Why does it have to?"

Not going to the rest of the 30 Day Challenge. Fuck it. Fuck everything.

And if you're reading this, mother, fuck you.

I fucking hate you.

This is going to be my last post for a long while. I'm so high right now. I miss the bitter taste of the gas on my tongue.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 12

"Repeat, repeat, repeat."

Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.

It's pretty much the same thing, everyday. Not really going to go in depth, because there's no point. You'll see what I mean.

Wake up, usually late.
Rush to get ready (sometimes shower) and then get to class.
Usually will get to class late.
Drudge through classes.
Get back home, or go to work.
If at work, do work, putting my well-worn mask on, then go home.
If at home, spend time online.
Night arrives, do homework.
Sleep (maybe). Depends on the night, and if I want to entertain the dreams.
Rinse and repeat.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 11

"Get that bloody thing away from me."

I have a paper due tomorrow, but I'm doing this now, because it's already 11 PM.

Day 11: Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. People who think having OCD is cool, or hip, or that "everyone has it". No. They don't. Go to hell, asshole. It's a damn disease, and it's torture living with it.

2. When people talk about random stuff during a class. Look, I get it, you guys want to converse with each other, but don't you think that other people in the class want to actually be able to hear what the professor is saying? I don't have a problem with people talking in class if it's class related, though. Like, "Can I take a look at your notes?", "What page are we one?" or whatever.

3. When people act all high and mighty. "Oh, I don't judge." is a common phrase I'm so annoyed with. Yes. You judge. Everyone judges people. Everyone has an opinion about someone else. Sure, if you can keep it from influencing how you treat the person you're judging (well, as much as possible) then that's great. Just stop pretending that you're able to not judge someone.

4. When a book is mistreated. I hate (well, strongly dislike) seeing books with dog ears, markings in them, and other kind of defacement. I know it's not technically "mistreatment" of the books, but it still gets me so annoyed when I see it being done.

5. People who are clingy. They send a message every hour or so, they seem to want a conversation every moment of every day... Okay, this is an exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Ugh, just give me some space. Are you that starved for attention?

6. People who can't decide what they want to order, but only suddenly decide to make a decision when they're at the front of the line. You know how inconvenient and annoying that is? You know the type. They're texting, talking on the phone, laughing with friends, or something similar, and all while they're in line.

7. When people think they know me. No. You don't. I don't really open up to other people. My innermost secrets are all in my head, and only one other person has ever seen that side of me. Even then, she ignores what she knows half the time, so I suppose it doesn't really count. Eh.

8. People who refuse to learn reading comprehension and just misunderstands whatever I'm (or someone else) is arguing with them. It's just so damn irritating.

9. People who think they're better than others.

10. When people just don't tell me when I ask what's going on. "Oh, it's nothing." Well it sure wasn't nothing a second ago.

This was fun.

Salut,
~J

P.S. These are amazing. Enjoy!

http://laughterburst.com/gag/50-life-hacks-you-need-to-know/

30 Day Challenge: Day 10

"Some things are hard to forget."

Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.

Oh wow. This is a tough one. I have so many to choose from.

I guess I'll just describe the one I remember most. Here goes.

I was in class. It was a linguistics class. The time was around 1:25 PM, and the class ends around 1:45 PM. I was sitting near the front row of this lecture, and I was feeling sleepy (I sometimes need a nap around that time period). Anyway, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the class was empty. I looked around, thinking, "Wait, what time is it?" I checked my watch, and saw it was 2:50 PM. "Holy crap! I slept for over an hour!" Turns out, it was only 1:50 PM, and my watch was wrong. Whoops.

Not as embarrassing as most stories, but hey, I have a bad memory.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 9

"You'll always be remembered. I promise."

I wish I got that kind reaction from you.

Day 9: List 10 people who have influenced you, and how.

From least to most important:

1. My orthodontist, Dr. Sarah. She's the person who directed me on to the path of my major right now.

2. Andrew MacMohan. His songs stopped me from going over the edge, from doing things I would have suffered consequences from.

3. My best friend, Shane. He reminded me, every now and then, that I have a friend.

4. The people I went to school with. They taught me that people will exclude you, and I grew more detached and isolated because of that experience.

5. My cousin, because he helped me have someone to talk to.

6. My parents, because they gave me the hard lesson that very few people will want to believe what you say.

7. Robert Jordan, who got me interested in the fantasy genre, and a role model (of sorts) in Mat Cauthon.

8. Frank Warren. His PostSecret project helped keep demons in check.

9. Him, for giving me an idea of how someone should be like if they want to get the girl of their dreams.

10. Her, for teaching me how to feel.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 8

"It's what drives you, that fire in your veins."

You know... I really thought it was directed to me. And that it was going to negate what you wrote earlier. I guess I was wrong, as usual.

But I digress.

Day 8: What are 5 passions you have?

... Wow.

I just realized how I don't really have any passion for anything. This wasn't like back when I was in high school, and I tried defining myself with things like chess and maths; now, I don't really care anymore. I don't really have any care about fitting in, or being a part of something. I suppose I've given up on ever achieving that. I'll try and make stuff up, though.

Passion #1: Video games.

Closest thing I have for a passion. On the one hand, I grew up playing video games, and I love it. I love the story, the immersion, the interactivity of games, of being lost as I take part in another world, a world where I'm important, where I do things that affect other people.

Of course, I don't have multiple systems, nor do I play often, so I'm not sure whether it really does count as a passion.

Passion #2: Reading.

I love being immersed in a story. It helps remove me from the world I'm in now.

Passion #3: Languages.

Well, I guess I love languages. I mean, I want to learn them. I just don't put in the effort needed.

Passion #4: Reading depressing pictures and PostSecrets.

I mean, honestly, look at these!:

Passion #5: Music.

It dulls everything, sometimes.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 7

"Abstract thinkings in a different world."

Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?

As nerdy as this sounds, a job in statistics. I love how the numbers go together, how it's so intuitive and how everything is connected. It's amazing, and I'd love to be immersed in it.

Of course, I also wouldn't mind a job involving languages. Like say, being a translator. I love languages, and the ties it has to culture. Not to mention the lovely feeling I get when I understand what someone is saying. It's a thrill.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 6

"Not every experience is for the better. The other side's grass is not always greener."

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Heh. This is a dirty joke just begging to be made.

Anyway.

This is pretty difficult to answer. I can't decide between my move when I was 10, my string of rejections, or my current disposition.

How about I go with all three?

All three were the hardest things I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing, and they each shaped (or are shaping me) in ways that were not necessarily better.

Salut,
~J

30 Day Challenge: Day 5

"Fleeting, these moments, and lost to time, as all things are."

I have to say, this was a hard one.

Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. Anticipation of playing video games. Sure, I'm not actually under any ability to play anything right now, but the very anticipation of these games that I can play is definitely something that helps push me along.

2. Spotify. With so many music on, it's so good at soothing me. I can't imagine how I'd plug on without Jack's Mannequin, Barenaked Ladies and Sum 41 blasting in my ear.

3. My books. The stuff I get to read while I'm waiting, things that stop me from thinking.

4. Time at where I work. Continuously being around people, and my stupid compulsion to just speak, helps keeps thoughts at bay. For the most part.

5. The rare times I get to eat actual food. Bliss.

Salut,
~J