Apology

"Begging for help when you turn it down."

Hey F?

I'm sorry I wasn't there. I haven't been in a good place myself.

Salut,

~J

Wishes on a broken lamp

"The walls are closing in."

I wish I had people I could talk to. Everything is eating me from the inside out.

I'm this ball of angst, this ball of anger and frustration. I just want to lash out at everyone, at every fucking thing.

There's no one around. They either find it uncomfortable to be around me, they just don't talk to me or... well, they don't care. It always goes back to that, doesn't it?

"Look man, if you need to talk, I'm here for you."

Like fuck you are. That's what everyone says, and not one of you care enough to talk to me.

I'm trying to be understanding. "Oh, we talk to you, but we don't want to force you to talk to us. We'll wait until you're ready." Don't you guys think that I would need to ease myself into it? No. You don't. All I get is a message or two, maybe a short conversation. Never anything more.

I stay up all night because my dreams are plagued with nightmares. I wake up to blood on my pillow. I feel sick and I barely eat most of the day. I go through the motions, pretending I'm alright, talking a lot because then maybe people wouldn't think anything was wrong. After all, I seem so damn happy all the time, don't I?

Everything keeps going wrong.

I wish there was someone who cared.

I wish there was someone I could open up and talk to.

Salut,

~J

Screw ups and failures

"It's easier to stay down."

I'm failing in everything.

It's 2:30 AM, two days after a birthday that barely anyone remembered, hours after an exam I know I flunked, and a little over an hour after screwing things up once again.

What a great month it's been.

Please let it end, please.

Salut,
~J

If you're reading this-

"There's still time - but what if there isn't?"

Why does moving feel like I'm cheating? This is so unfair. Why can't I fall in love with someone and just move on?

Even my dreams are unrealistic BS that disguise themselves as something that could happen. Why does my subconscious pair me up with someone who doesn't even like me? GAH.

This is so typical.

Thanks, world.

Thanks so much.

You are just so... good to me.

Salut,
~J

New page

"How are you so sure that it's just a temporary problem?"

I should stop clinging to hope. I should start to move on. I should stop being such an idiot.

I should, I should, I should.

Salut,
~J

Resolutions

"New year, new promises."

Two resolutions. One more likely to happen over the other.

It's time to roll the dice.

Salut,
~J

Welcome, new year; welcome.

"It begins to feel like home."

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

Salut,
~J