"When you screw up, things either improve because of it, or they get broken beyond repair."
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a big barrel of coal. Sure, you'll find the odd diamond here and there, and maybe if you put in pressure, you'll get even better than with what you started, but for the most part, everything is just ugly, dirty, stupid, insensitive coal.
I'm such a screw up. I don't know why I keep breaking things that I shouldn't be breaking.
I wonder. What is wrong with me?
Sigh.
I wish I knew.
Salut,
~J
Friday 19 April 2013
Saturday 13 April 2013
And round and round it goes.
"Things begin, end, begin and end. It's a cycle that never ever ends."
So right now I'm sick. Sick is a pretty strong word, though. To clarify, I currently have a headache.
It doesn't help that I woke up really late this morning. It was early for me, but I was supposed to meet with people to go out at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 10-ish. Sure, I had a headache, but still. I shouldn't have kept them waiting.
I've been going through the blogs on the right. About half of them are discontinued, basically, but it's still a nice way for me to pass the time, reading up things I used to enjoy reading back when they were regularly updated. Overheard Lines was definitely a favorite. I felt sad once it stopped being updated regularly, but life goes on. I went through their archives and found one that it still my favorite. I still remembered how it went, but reading it again... Well, it was a nice laugh.
For reference: http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/2005/03/man-walking-by-on-street-context.html
You don't have to find it as hilarious as I do, just felt like sharing it. I find it amusing that my humor still is pretty similar to how I was four years ago. Wait, did I say amusing? I mean horrifying. I'm glad my personality isn't as bad as it was then, or else I still wouldn't have any friends. I mean, seriously, my humor is crap.
I've been putting off from doing my placement test for French for the past month. I guess I'm just terrified of being told how bad my French is now. Language is the only skill I feel like I have any kind of power over. My deluded illusion that I could write has shattered. The aspirations I had for the arts (dancing, singing, playing instruments) are lying in the gutter. Even the belief that I was any good at Math has started to fade. I guess I should be glad that I'm still not living with any of these false realities; I'm bad at them, and at least now I know it. So forgive me if I'm still terrified about finding out that my language skills are just as bad.
At the way things in my life has been going this year, that's probably what will happen. I've screwed things up almost beyond repair. I've lost things important to me. I've become disenchanted with the real world. My only solace is in the shows I'm watching (most of which are ending soon). I get my heart ripped out once or twice a day or so. I've become less and less inclined to care about my well-being. I mean, what is there for me? A future with people who dislike, can't stand, or at best, can't trust me? A world where nothing I do really goes right? A scenario of things never really going my way?
Ugh. I haven't reached there yet. Things still might look up. Might. There's still the second half of the year to look forward to.
Sigh.
J'haine ma vie. Et tout en il.
Salut,
~J
So right now I'm sick. Sick is a pretty strong word, though. To clarify, I currently have a headache.
It doesn't help that I woke up really late this morning. It was early for me, but I was supposed to meet with people to go out at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 10-ish. Sure, I had a headache, but still. I shouldn't have kept them waiting.
I've been going through the blogs on the right. About half of them are discontinued, basically, but it's still a nice way for me to pass the time, reading up things I used to enjoy reading back when they were regularly updated. Overheard Lines was definitely a favorite. I felt sad once it stopped being updated regularly, but life goes on. I went through their archives and found one that it still my favorite. I still remembered how it went, but reading it again... Well, it was a nice laugh.
For reference: http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/2005/03/man-walking-by-on-street-context.html
You don't have to find it as hilarious as I do, just felt like sharing it. I find it amusing that my humor still is pretty similar to how I was four years ago. Wait, did I say amusing? I mean horrifying. I'm glad my personality isn't as bad as it was then, or else I still wouldn't have any friends. I mean, seriously, my humor is crap.
I've been putting off from doing my placement test for French for the past month. I guess I'm just terrified of being told how bad my French is now. Language is the only skill I feel like I have any kind of power over. My deluded illusion that I could write has shattered. The aspirations I had for the arts (dancing, singing, playing instruments) are lying in the gutter. Even the belief that I was any good at Math has started to fade. I guess I should be glad that I'm still not living with any of these false realities; I'm bad at them, and at least now I know it. So forgive me if I'm still terrified about finding out that my language skills are just as bad.
At the way things in my life has been going this year, that's probably what will happen. I've screwed things up almost beyond repair. I've lost things important to me. I've become disenchanted with the real world. My only solace is in the shows I'm watching (most of which are ending soon). I get my heart ripped out once or twice a day or so. I've become less and less inclined to care about my well-being. I mean, what is there for me? A future with people who dislike, can't stand, or at best, can't trust me? A world where nothing I do really goes right? A scenario of things never really going my way?
Ugh. I haven't reached there yet. Things still might look up. Might. There's still the second half of the year to look forward to.
Sigh.
J'haine ma vie. Et tout en il.
Salut,
~J
Thursday 11 April 2013
The trickle of raindrops
"They say raindrops are the tears of angels."
It's beginning to rain again. Well, technically it "rained" a lot, if you count snow as rain. Which it is, kinda. I find it really interesting that it seemed to be raining everywhere at around the same time. Friends in other states were complaining about the downpour. Friends in the UK mentioned that there were drizzles. Back home, I heard that there was a flood from all the rain.
Raining everywhere, all at the same time. That is just really interesting.
Of course, the rain had both its good and bad parts. I loved how cold it was, and how the wind blew against me. I loved the feeling of being frozen, of fighting for breath, and for life. What I didn't like, though, was the wetness. I really didn't like that. It wasn't as bad as when it was snowing though, so there's that.
Things are getting harder and harder for me. At least they have been, lately. I'm beginning to think that I won't be able to pass Cal III (or at least, get more than a B). Microeconomics and Linear Algebra are completely hit-or-miss, so I'm really worried about getting a B+ or higher for both of those classes. Rhetoric is the only thing I'm pretty confident with. Hopefully I'll get an A, but I could just as easily get an A-. We'll see, I suppose.
I miss being able to go on Twitter. I miss the free feeling of being able to Tweet, ReTweet, Favorite and just read Tweets. I can't anymore, though. Each time I go on, I'm reminded of why I left in the first place. I'm reminded of who I'm not, who I'm supposed to be, who I wished I could be. And it just... hurts.
Sigh.
Well, it's almost 2:30 AM here. I'll be going to sleep pretty soon.
Salut,
~J
It's beginning to rain again. Well, technically it "rained" a lot, if you count snow as rain. Which it is, kinda. I find it really interesting that it seemed to be raining everywhere at around the same time. Friends in other states were complaining about the downpour. Friends in the UK mentioned that there were drizzles. Back home, I heard that there was a flood from all the rain.
Raining everywhere, all at the same time. That is just really interesting.
Of course, the rain had both its good and bad parts. I loved how cold it was, and how the wind blew against me. I loved the feeling of being frozen, of fighting for breath, and for life. What I didn't like, though, was the wetness. I really didn't like that. It wasn't as bad as when it was snowing though, so there's that.
Things are getting harder and harder for me. At least they have been, lately. I'm beginning to think that I won't be able to pass Cal III (or at least, get more than a B). Microeconomics and Linear Algebra are completely hit-or-miss, so I'm really worried about getting a B+ or higher for both of those classes. Rhetoric is the only thing I'm pretty confident with. Hopefully I'll get an A, but I could just as easily get an A-. We'll see, I suppose.
I miss being able to go on Twitter. I miss the free feeling of being able to Tweet, ReTweet, Favorite and just read Tweets. I can't anymore, though. Each time I go on, I'm reminded of why I left in the first place. I'm reminded of who I'm not, who I'm supposed to be, who I wished I could be. And it just... hurts.
Sigh.
Well, it's almost 2:30 AM here. I'll be going to sleep pretty soon.
Salut,
~J
Thursday 4 April 2013
Procrastinating the inevitable
"Sometimes, I like to be productive. Thank God that hasn't happened in years."
It's 12:57 AM, Central Time, as I write this. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, multi-tasking Skype, YouTube, FaceBook, TvTropes, and blogging, and I haven't prayed yet.
Also, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have a Cal III exam tomorrow night, which I feel woefully underprepared for.
Just great, isn't it?
Also, I have - well, had - a Futurama marathon session today. In the middle of Season 2 now, in fact. Arrow has finished downloading (I can't wait until I get cable or satellite, so I can actually give the shows I watch ratings) and I'm planning on watching that.
I see a future of not studying/cramming for this exam.
I feel like I should make some tea. Part caffeine, part procrastination, part hunger.
Gah.
Come on, self. Study. You know you have to.
But I don't want to.
Doesn't it just suck, when you have to do something really really urgently, but everything is telling you to put it off for later?
Come on, get your head in the game, man.
I guess I ought to make something to eat, or something. While I'm at it.
Study time! (I hope)
Salut,
~J
It's 12:57 AM, Central Time, as I write this. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, multi-tasking Skype, YouTube, FaceBook, TvTropes, and blogging, and I haven't prayed yet.
Also, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have a Cal III exam tomorrow night, which I feel woefully underprepared for.
Just great, isn't it?
Also, I have - well, had - a Futurama marathon session today. In the middle of Season 2 now, in fact. Arrow has finished downloading (I can't wait until I get cable or satellite, so I can actually give the shows I watch ratings) and I'm planning on watching that.
I see a future of not studying/cramming for this exam.
I feel like I should make some tea. Part caffeine, part procrastination, part hunger.
Gah.
Come on, self. Study. You know you have to.
But I don't want to.
Doesn't it just suck, when you have to do something really really urgently, but everything is telling you to put it off for later?
Come on, get your head in the game, man.
I guess I ought to make something to eat, or something. While I'm at it.
Study time! (I hope)
Salut,
~J
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