God, it's been a while...

"One thing that I don't understand about exams is this: Why is our future, our entire life, determined by a single piece of paper, your memory and how well you were that day?"

To be honest, I had actually planned to post in October, but one thing led to another, and now it's November. Price of procrastination, I guess. I did plan to write the personalities (as how I see it) of each of my classmates, as well as a random amount of friends not from my class. Oh well. Guess that'll have to wait.

Anyways, since I'm typing stuff now, I'm not gonna go into detail about my life at the moment (probably not, though. For all I know, I might get so used to blogging again that I'll start spilling all of my secrets. Again), so I'll just mention a dream that I had recently.

It was a really weird dream, but even though I had it a few nights ago, I can still remember it quite vividly. It started out normal enough.

Wait, scratch that. It was weird from the beginning. I remember it started with me going into a room, which was like a party theme going on (note here: not the teen party where people dance around like uncontrolled monkeys, but the kind of party where adults go to and... Talk. Not much of a party, really) and one of my best friends were there. I saw Danny and his family were there, and we were started catching up, chatting, basically having a great time from just talking. God, I miss him. That dream just made me realize how much.

After the talking, and a few feeble attempts at getting him to sleep over so that we could have more fun together, I decided to walk out of the place. As soon as I left the room, the dream seemed to skip to the future a bit, and it was suddenly 2009, and we were back in school. The way the dream moved on, it was kinda like how the movies do it, skipping loads of time effortlessly. (You know what I'm talking about)

I went into a classroom, and it was March. The classroom was one of my junior's class, and they were all talking together and hanging out in that room. In the dream, it was 3 girl's birthdays on that month, so the juniors were planning something for them. I just happened to be there, so I sat down and paid attention. People seemed to talk more to others, instead of to me. It was as if I wasn't there at all. Whenever I tried talking to some of the other juniors, they just ignored me point blank, without even glancing my way or acknowledging my existence. Even though I now know that it was a dream, it still hurt.

One thing was off about the planning of the party, though, and even though I noticed it in the dream, for some reason I didn't realize anything was amiss. Odd, no? Anyways, the thing that was off was the fact that junior I had my eye on (I'm not going to elaborate more, at least, not yet) had her birthday on in March, but her name wasn't in the list of the three girls that had their birthdays then.

I even remember saying (in the dream) "Hey, why isn't ******'s birthday in this list?" but for some reason, it was shrugged off. Then I all I remember was seeing her (for some reason, really close to my face, until I could see every flaw and perfection) organizing everything. In fact, there were only 5 juniors that I can recall, and 3 of them didn't mean that much to me, which was really quite interesting, in retrospect.

After that, it was suddenly at least one month ahead, and me and a couple of other prefects (again, juniors) were playing a water balloon war. I don't remember what happened during that at all, except that for some reason, no one got wet (other than the palm of our hands from holding the somewhat leaking water balloons)

So, that's it. My dream, finally written - or, typed, at least - into some sort of medium. Interpret it anyway you like. I don't mind. I've got my own interpretations, but the human mind is way too complicated for just one mere person to try to interpret and understand. Feel free to leave any interpretation(s) in the comment box.

Once again, sorry for taking up your time, thank you for reading my blog, and have a nice day.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I guess this makes it official that my blog is no longer in a coma.

True Lies

"Offing yourself is relatively easy. It's living with the consequences that's hard."

Hey.

Yeah, I'm still alive. No need to call Suicide Hotline! I'm fine. Really. Yes, I'm serious this time.

I guess I was just going through another rough patch. Depression is hard. How the heck do other depressed people stop from killing themselves?! Wait... I'm one of them. Heh, guess I kinda know the answer, since I'm still alive.

For the love of God, put down that phone! I don't need you to call my parents, okay? You'll just make things worse. It's not as if they actually care about my mental and emotional health. After all, they're the ones that laughed when I wanted to go to a therapist for my 3 lettered word disorder. I wonder how other parents would react? Would they actually bring their child to a therapist, or are they all the same?

Meh, it's not for me to know. I'm just a guy, not someone important.

Anyways, I've often been asked why I have a blog. Why? Because I have a lot to say and no one who listens. I'm not much of a writer. I tried keeping diaries, but they all kept failing. At least this way, I have someone to rant, vent, unleash or even cry to. I've been doing that a lot lately. Cry, I mean. Kinda hard not to, when you feel like no one cares. I'm not being emo. Just stating a fact. Unless you're depressed, you won't understand.

You know, I almost cried at school last week. Sure, go on. Laugh, call me a baby. A wimp. At least I'm man enough to show my emotions, unlike you so called "men". Before you ask, I almost cried because of my disorder. I suddenly had the compulsion to arrange everything properly, which kinda stopped me from having a normal conversation with my friend Razleen. That wasn't what made me almost cry though. No offense, Razleen, but I don't think I'll cry if I don't get to talk to you.

What almost did it was the fact that three of my classmates - people I thought friends - were tormenting me, moving the tables, chairs, bags on the tables and etc. It was making me insane! I wasn't sure whether to cry or to explode. I did a little of both, though not too loudly. I forgive them now, but if they do it again, I don't think I can. Unless you have what I have, you'd never understand. It's like a meat eater talking to a vegetarian about meat. The vegetarian would never understand, because he doesn't eat meat. Meh, something like that, anyways.

You know, I just realized this. If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't be here. My emotions would be all bottled up, I'd have no one to talk to and *poof*, bye bye Sharrif, the guy that jumped off a building. Yeah, if I was gonna kill myself, I'd do that. Much quicker than cutting. Plus, it's more likely to succeed. Haha, I'm telling you guys how I'd off myself. That is so lame! *Starts giggling a bit*

Yep, this blog is my lifeline. *Pats computer adoringly* I don't know what I'd do without it. I think it's even the reason I'm still alive right now. Mark, Tom and Farah have completely deserted me. I haven't seen them in a bit over a week now, and only now have I realized how much I need them. What's funny is that more people are treating me nicer ever since I wrote that post. Kinda odd, don't cha think? They can't care, because I learned a few life lessons the hard way. These include:

i Nice guys finish last.
ii You can't trust anyone but yourself.
iii People say one thing but mean another.
iv Talk is cheap, but even actions lie.

Of course, there's more, but that's all right for now.

Wanna hear some cool stuff? Yes? No? Either way, since you got this far, you won't mind reading more. I can solve a Rubik's Cube! Woo hoo! Call me a dork, call me a geek, nerd, call me whatever you want, but I don't care! I can solve it and you can't! Haha, it feels so awesome actually being able to do it. Your words won't hurt me, because it's mind over matter. I don't mind 'cause you don't matter.

God! My parents are driving me up the wall! They say that they love me, but all they do is nag! Sure, a little nagging is fine. Annoying, but fine. Nagging a lot about important things is okay as well. But about trivial things? Man, that just makes me angry. They even nag when I did something they told me to. Like, my Mum told me to practice the piano, so I did. After I was done, she scolded me for practicing the piano, because there were guests. What the heck!? She told me to practice then, so I did! Don't get me started on my Dad!

If he calls me, and I answer very politely, "Yes, Dad?", he'll go ballistic and call me rude and impolite! I'd understand if I was doing that, but my sisters saw what happened and they even said to him, "What did he do? He wasn't being rude." Needless to say, they got into trouble as well.

Then, when they don't get their way even when they take away everything (I can really survive without entertainment if I want/have to), they start playing the bribery game. They'll go, "If you be good, you can watch TV again.", or, "If you don't be rude, I'll let you touch the computer."

Of course, I don't participate. Bribery is bad, people! They always give in. I'm too stubborn. Yeah, it's a bad thing, but I copied both my parents in this trait.

But I hate that I'm being like my Dad. From his lateness to his bad temper. Whenever I say something, I end up pausing. The reason is 'cause I realize that I'm sounding more and more like my Dad. It's shocking, but there's nothing I can do about it, is there?

Oops, I'm just asking for trouble now! It's 2:07 AM, and I think I'd better sleep! Night, y'all!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I don't care if my parents read this. At least they'll get an awakening.