I'm not going to do it, after all

"Being brave is very easy. Being a coward is even easier. What's really hard, though, is knowing when to be brave and when to be a coward."

Aw, man. I am such a coward! Just dub me, "Most Cowardly Geek Of The Century". Okay, that's kinda an exaggeration, but nonetheless.

Remember when I said that I was going to ask this girl out next year, on Valentine's Day? Well, I'm not going to. The reason is really quite simple. Among everything, I treasure friendship the most. She's one of my closest friends, and I really don't want to ruin our friendship. In any way.

Yeah, when it comes to friends, I don't take risks. I know that friends come and go, but what's the harm in holding on to them as long as possible?

This is probably how it'll end. Me being with a lot of friends, but alone. I'm just one of those guys that girls don't ever have crushes on, let alone like. No, I'm not whining here, just stating a fact. Girls always say to me, "you're such a great friend", "thanks for listening to my problems", and even, "how can girls not like you? You're (insert good adjectives here)!" You know, every single time a girl says that to me, I'm tempted to ask, "Well, then, do you like me?"

Meh, it'd be too awkward, no?

I'm so glad to get that out of my chest. One of my friends told me not to lose hope, and that I still have 7 months until February, and that she might fall for me by then. Yep, the friend that said that is a girl.

If she falls for me, I want her to say that to my face. Don't start by giving excuses such as, "She's too shy!" What the heck?! I've already confessed! Why should she feel any shyness?

Hmm, this is getting a wee bit too love related. But can someone please explain something to me? Is it true that some girls, when they like a guy, they won't admit it, even after he confesses? Some of my friends have told me that so-called "fact" and it doesn't make sense. At all. I need confirmation from you readers out there.

Oh, God, school. You know, I recently did an essay, and we had to "describe" everything. I think I took it a bit too literally, since it's over four pages long. I never want to do another "describing" essay ever again. I mean, seriously. Over four pages?! What's up with that?!

*Sighs* Life is getting too complicated for my taste. Don't take this as suicidal, but I kinda feel like dying sometimes. Oh, no, not because I don't wanna live or anything stupid like that. It's just that... I really want to see what's on the other side. I'm sure that Islam (Note: this is a personal opinion!) is the most accurate religion, but I still just want to see who really got it right. Hey, you never know, right?

The only people I seem to envy are the dead ones. Why? Well, let's just say, I think they're the luckiest people there is. For all we know, there's no longer any more pain; they don't feel anything at all... The only downside to wanting to know is that, to actually know, you have to die first. Don't take it the wrong way. I love being alive, but if I'm going to die, I won't be complaining.

There's this untested theory that when someone is close to their date of death (DOD), they tend to act differently. I'm not sure if that's true, but I haven't been being myself lately. It could be anything, of course, and I'm not choosing any favourites.

Oh, right, I haven't told you guys about my current health. The pain in my head is apparently from my sinus. According to the doctor, there's an infection in my sinus. I've taken some medication, but I won't know for certain whether it works or not until the second week. Which starts today.

Remember this saying: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

That's pretty much how I see life. Right, it's 10:23, my Mum and Dad are getting angry at me (I'm not supposed to be online on weekdays), and I just remembered some unfinished homework. If I change my mind and decide to ask her, you'll be updated. Same thing goes if she tells me that she likes me. Both are unlikely, but it'll be noted in here.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. Luqman, if you're reading this, if you're bragging and/or emphasizing about how you greeted me "nicely", the purpose is gone. Oh, and happy belated birthday (again)!

New and improved

"I've always wondered about the 'new and improved' saying. How can something new be improved, if it's never been made before?"

You'll never guess what I just got. Go on, guess!

Right. You know, that line will never be understood by me. If I'm just told that I'd never be able to guess it, then why the heck would I waste my time trying in the first place? Am I right or am I right?

Anyways, on to my actual reason for posting. I had my hair cut! It was long and now it's... Not long. It's basically the same as my old hairstyle, only shorter. Um... Yeah, I never knew how pathetic I was until I read that a few times, over and over again. Okay, not really pathetic. But still, you've got to be something to have the same old hairstyle even after a haircut!

I just wanted to add, my headache is still going strong. It's as if it [the pain] has it's own personal mission to hurt me. Fortunately, though, he (yes, I'm calling my pain "he") tends to get tired longer and longer now. It used to hurt all the time, but now, it hurts only painfully in the afternoon until night, and random times in the morning. And loud sounds still make him wake up with a vengeance. Other than those times, though, he's peacefully sleeping, and I'd like to keep him that way.

Oh, right!

Before I forget (or, before my pain wakes up), I need to mention this. I do not have a tumour. (At least, not yet, anyways.) So stop talking about it like I do! I swear, if I get another "Is it true that you have a brain tumour?" like question, I'm going to snap! Anyways, I'm going to have to go for another checkup on Monday (it actually was supposed to be Saturday, but my parents just had to go and leave me and the rest of us here and go off to Jakarta), since there's still pain.

Oh, yes, you read right. My parents aren't home for the weekend. Now, I'm not a party teen, so I'm not whooping with joy. But I'm not down in the dumps, either. At least now I won't have any problems with people coming over. For studying, of course. For once, please try to stop thinking illegal and slash or dirty thoughts.

And now I'm home alone. What about my siblings, you ask? My twin sisters have gone somewhere (they were gone when I woke up, I swear!) and my brother is sleeping over at a cousin's house. My other sister isn't really much company, so yeah, technically, I'm home alone.

It's going to be a looooooooong week. There's nothing to look forward to, to be honest. I only have studying, TV, the computer, and more studying. Not to mention the pain. Never forget the pain.

Ooh, ooh, guess what? I have a long-lost twin that I never knew of! Ha ha, I wish. Actually, I just have this new pen pal (or is it "chat chum"?), and we have so much things in common it's freaky. Her blog's link is there is on my blog, although it's private - sorry, readers, you won't get to read her awesome blog. Your loss.

Man I'm getting bored now. Blogging just isn't what it used to be *Sigh* Although it's cool that random people are reading my blog. How they got this link, I shall never know. After all, it's really complicated to accidentally type the URL. Look at all the dashes in it! Heck, one of my friends typed it wrong, even when I gave him the link. See how complicated it is?

Anyways, I'm going to go now. If I get any inspiration to type more (or, if I just suddenly get an idea for a random blog title) I'll update. Later!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

Healthy illnesses

"An illness is only an illness if it deteriorates your life in any way. (Be it physically, emotionally or mentally)"

Dang. Illnesses seem to like me a lot this past month lately.

Remember roughly last month, I had my appendix taken out? Now I'm having a throbbing headache. Hopefully, it's only from my glasses lack of power, and isn't anything serious, but the doctor did mention that it could be a tumour. At my eye or brain. *Sigh*

I'm not going to believe him, though. Last time I did, it only turned out to be my appendix. This time it's probably only because of my glasses. But, hey, if it's anything serious, I'll just update and let you all know. And to think. I only got this diagnosis after talking about overdosing my 650 MG painkillers - Connected or coincidence?

This headache hurts more than my stomach. Good news, though. I'm still able from taking too much Uphamol (the painkillers I'm taking) in too short a time. Although I can barely think straight right now. Just going to apologize if what this post is about tends to be... Un-me, if you know what I mean.

I just realized. After two days, and only now do I realize. If it's a tumour, I'll have to go into the hospital! God no! I'm starting to dislike hospitals. I still remember that when I was younger, I practically lived in the hospital because of my many sudden illnesses. I really really really don't want to "live" in the hospital again.

Speaking of hospitals, one of my classmates recently got herself... Wounded, somehow. From how other classmates mentioned it, it seems that she fell down and cut herself so badly, a lot of blood came out. If she's reading it, Sophie, hope you get better soon! Oh, and when you get back to school, I'm going to force you to tell me what happened, so there.

My God the pain is horrible. It's as if my head brain suddenly hates me, and now it wants to get out of my head! You know how that's like, right? Wait, you don't. Unless you do, then yeah, I can't believe you're allowed to go online. (I'm not, actually, but I just felt like posting slash updating this blog)

I had to go home early last Friday. And I missed my tuition. That was so unfair. For all I know, we had a ton of homework, and now I'll be waaay behind everyone else. Meh, life's evil like that, no?

Everything is too loud.

I'm going to finish this post soon, since the keyboard-is-being-typed sound is giving me a bigger headache. I'll update when I either get better, or worse. See ya!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I think I fell in love with her again. Either that, or I never un-loved her. This is getting complicating.

Overdosage, and etc.

"Is overdose really that bad? Besides death, what other symptoms are there?"

I'm going to do it. I really am.

650 MG is definitely not working for my pain. I'm gonna start doubling the dosage. Just so you know, if I don't post a new post by next month, it means I'm dead.

No, not intentionally. But still dead. (No words will help against this. I'm not suicidal, just in pain)

Anyways... On to cheerier news (did I spell that right? "Cheerier"? Meh, the evil red spelling lines aren't there, so I guess it is). A lot of things have been happening, too much to actually mention specifically. So I'll just do my best, and apologies to any and all unorganized-ness.

I've been in this really weird honest mood lately. Not that I lie often, it's just that I'm suddenly being so open. You could ask me any question and I'd answer it. My classmate - Aziat - has even run out of questions. He was asking questions from random ones - such as "contacts or glasses?" - to more personal ones, like, "How do you really feel about [her] now?" Since none of you asked it, I'm not going to answer that question to you. But if you decide to ask, there's a high probability that I'll answer it, looking at my current "mood" as of this week. Any question asked, at least right now, will be answered honestly and to the point. No guarded or deflecting answer, just the hard, cold truth.

Why did I just spend a whole paragraph on telling people that I'm going to be honest? Now I'm gonna get loads of personal questions, like "Who do you currently like?", "What did you like about [her]?" and "Who did you used to like?". Seriously, guys. Be more creative. If you can, don't ask the same questions over and over again. It gets annoying. Really.

I did this career personality test thing with a few of my classmates, and what I got was... Well, kinda contradicting. Letter-wise, I was ISC. That means Investigative (which is true), Social (so-so, but mostly false) and Controversial/Conventional (this one was totally wrong). It was done in the counseling room, and we ended up getting counseling. Oh, what joy! We had a group-counseling session to begin with, and by the next one, I was the only one there. My so-called "friends" ditched me. Again. Thanks a lot, Ben, Amirul and Aizat. Really appreciate it.

I'm taking another personality questionnaire, since apparently, the counselor thought that my personality was so complex. She also thought that my level of thinking and total overall ability to perform is 4.5 and above. Out of 5. I know, right? Me, 4.5! What a huge joke, right?

I had this really weird dream last night. I was chatting (well, texting) with this girl, and then she mentioned that she (finally, apparently) had a boyfriend. For some reason, I got jealous, and told her about my girlfriend (which apparently was also new - we haven't been on a first date yet). Then she got jealous as well. We sent a few texts back and forth, and the last text she sent me is still vivid in my mind. It was something along the lines of, "Is it a real date?", in a I-couldn't-care-less-but-I'm-still-hopeful-that-it's-not-real kinda tone. At least, it was in my dream. Before I could reply to that, I woke up.

Bad timing, eh?

I've got loads more to say, so keep up with me here! I don't want you snoozing on me. Speaking of snoozing, my tuition mate Zulkarnain fell asleep. During the class. Adlan noticed it first, and he gestured for me to wake him up. Which I did. By hitting him on the thigh. He woke up with a shock, but only on the second hit (yes, I had to hit him twice hard before he woke up). Of course, the whole class laughed loudly at him. He even said that he didn't realize he had fallen asleep. He was just sitting down, then *poof!* Welcome to Dreamland!

There's this girl at my tuition, well, maybe I like her. Maybe it's just another rebound. Heck, I dunno anymore. My feelings are all mixed up right now. I can't decide whether to do anything about this or not. On the one hand, she's cute and smart, and there'd be no harm in not only asking her out, but also with going out with her. Plus I think that I like her. On the other hand, I don't think it's a good year for relationships (since it's PMR year - kinda like SAT year, only at a lesser degree of importance), I made a bet with my cousin on who'd be in a relationship first loses (deadline would be next year), I want to actually to be able to drive my girlfriend to dates and I'm still not sure if she's just a person I'm rebounding "her" off, or if I really do like her. Remember an earlier post (the last one, I think)? Same story, different people.

More updates on that story as it comes in. On to you, Bob.

Thank you Charlie. It seems that this boy turned blogger named Sharrif, or Josh, as his blog readers know him, is addicted to this mint called Eclipse. Apparently he can't go a day without taking at least two without going crazy. I think this guy might need to have his addiction stopped or it could be harmful to his friends and family. Back to you, Charlie.

Yes, yes. I'm addicted to Eclipse. I don't know what got me to be like that. One moment, I was eating it. Next moment, I can't stop eating it without detoxing my body. It's weird, but the smell of the mints is enough to get me high. Is Eclipse being used as a drug? Oh, say it ain't so! Anyways, I'm kinda running out, (it's been the best distraction for my pain, by the way) so I'll most likely start double dosing.

Which leads to the primary topic of this post. Overdosage. Is it really that bad? Come on, it can't always land in Death. There has to be symptoms before the death, right? I'm not afraid of dying - no one should be - I'm more afraid of leaving behind someone who actually gives a care about me. If you look at the Picture Of The Month for July, you'll understand. But if things get too painful for me, I'll have to double dose. The pain isn't just in my stomach anymore, either. It's spreading around to my chest areas. This means my lungs and heart are in pain, too. Yes, I'm literally living the old love saying of, "It only hurts when I breathe". Which is true quite a lot of the time. We'll just have to wait and see.

There are loads more that I want to add, but I don't have the time, nor am I that cruel, boring you to death like this. So,

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~