I'm listening to all these songs, seeing all these conversations, reading all of these pictures that are just... putting me closer to despair. I dunno, I just... it's so hard sometimes. It's hard, putting up that brave and happy facade. Pretending that I'm being myself, when it's just another front. Not saying what I really want to say because of how it'll affect someone else. Not having someone who won't be affected.
It's why I used to love Twitter. I was there, and no one I knew followed me, or even knew of its existence. I could just say whatever I wanted. Then one person found me. Then another. And another. Before you know it, a ton of friends are following me, and I have to once again create the persona that everyone knows me by. Once again I have to pretend that I'm not someone who I was.
That's when I began spamming retweets and minute-by-minute Tweets. It was an attempt to get people to unfollow, and to make it harder to find the real nuggets that was me within everything.
I'm tired.
Tired of pretending that I'm fine. Tired of smiling, of "being happy".
But if I'm not, people ask. People question. People start thinking that they have to do something, that they have to advise me in some way.
That when I start ranting and raving and come close to tears, people don't listen, or don't care, and when they do, they have their own problems, and I'm just another burden.
I resent that this blog is known by people I know, because one of them might eventually read this post. Then they'll start asking questions, trying to reach out to me.
I don't want it. Not anymore. Please respect that.
Honestly? I haven't been. Not in a long, long time. And the brief period when I was, I had to go and screw it up. Thanks a lot, self, for being an A-class Asshole.
Clouds, Bullet and Believe are on repeat.
I still have this, from a site I used to regularly visit.
The world is our oyster. Remember that.
Salut,
~J
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