Centennial-in-progress

"Everything has a beginning, and an end. Nothing lasts forever, because if it did, it wouldn't have any worth or value."

The 100th post. I never thought I'd ever actually get close to this, what with my sporadic posts. Well, this just might be my last post, ever. End on number 100, right?

But I don't really want to end this blog yet. I mean, I probably won't post anything for weeks to months at a time, but that doesn't mean it won't have any kind of activity, ever.

People have pretty much ignored this. Which is good; now I can actually write what I want to write. As for the few who do read this, well, good for you, for being privy to my thoughts. It's not as if your idea of how I am matters to me.

I'm busy listening to this playlist I have on YouTube. Most of them are sad songs, though, so I'm not really sure why I'm listening to them.

Maybe it's because I read somewhere that listening to sad songs when you're sad will help move you out of that sad feeling.

Or maybe I'm remembering it wrongly.

I don't know.

I don't know a lot of things. I mess up a lot of things. I hurt a lot of people. I'm just a ball of disappointment, rolling around causing pain and disappointment to everyone I know. I can't even get her to smile without screwing up in some other way.

My social life is barely alive. My love life is screwed nine ways to Sunday. My finances are unstable and uncertain. My academics are barely breathing.

I just... want this fear, this doubt, this uncertainty, to end. I just want all of it to end.

"I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space. Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I'm sleeping."

Please, doctor. I need to know.

Salut,
~J