Awake, awake, awake!

"Being awake is not a crime. Sleeping is. Have you ever seen a boss or a teacher scold an employee or a student for being awake?"

So. A few things have been going on these past few days. In summary, I watched Quarantine yesterday and something amazing happened in the cinema while we (my friends and sister and I) were watching; I had my Grade 6 level (but taking Grade 5 exam... How sad is that?!) for my piano (to those that didn't know that I played piano, well... Now you do); Plus, my Dad was almost in a car accident; And I edited something on Wikipedia.

Now, let's put it in the order that I dished it out to you. In other words, chronological order. You know, I never really realized thought about it, but who the heck thought of the word "chronological" in the first place? Quite a useful word, though. After all, I just used it.

Anyways, let me get back to what happened. I'm sure you're all just dying to know. Or, you're not, and you're getting angrier by the second because I'm wasting your valuable time reading this. Either way, I'm still happy. Haha. Okay, alright, I'll continue.

Well, like I said, we watched Quarantine. They were trying too hard to copy Cloverfield, (to those that have watched that, now that was a horror+video camera movie) so it turned out kinda lousy. Now, with Cloverfield, it was all done (obviously) amateur-ish, since the guy in the movie wasn't a professional. Unlike the guy in Quarantine, since he was obviously a professional videographer thingy. (I have no idea what the actual word is, to be honest. Does the obviousness show? Wait, don't answer that) After all, (at least, in the movie, anyway) he was paid to record stuff on the camera. So it shouldn't have been shaky, blurred and etcetera. The parts when he was running, okay, that was permissible and understandable. It doesn't make it okay, mind you, but at least it's understandable. But at some parts... Well, let's just say that he filmed like an amateur.

Oh, and you won't believe what happened at the cinema during the movie! At one part, near the ending, (to those that have watched it, it was around when he was searching the attic. Before you-know-what showed up. I won't say more 'cause I don't wanna give a spoiler to those that haven't watched it yet) I went and let out this huuuuge sneeze! For those that know me personally and have heard me sneeze, then you know how loud it is. Like KevJumba said about his sneeze, "it sounds like elephants making love!" That sorta kinda applies to me, too.

My sneeze was so loud, it actually literally scared the entire cinema. My friend Fithri even went and said, (translated) "The scariest part of the movie wasn't even in the movie. It was [Josh's] sneeze!" I could hear a guy on the row behind us going "Apa tu?!" (translated) "What was that?!" followed by a girl saying "Jangan buat lawaklah!" (translated) "Don't be a wise-a*s!" There were a few people a few rows in front of me doing this: One guy suddenly sat up straight, another started looking around him and a third was holding his heart as if he just had a heart attack. All around us, people were shocked and looking arounfd. My sister on my right hit me, and my friend on my left looked like he wanted to do that as well.

Yeah, I don't think I made any new friends in the cinema that day.

What was next on the list? Oh, right, my piano exams were today. I had to take my Grade 5 paper for Grade 6. Or something like that. To those that have/are taking that piano paper, you all know how short it is, right? To those that don't know, here's a quick synopsis on what I had to do: I had to play 3 pieces, 3 short exercises, 5 scales (these are like playing a few octaves of a song, with the sharps and flats) and appregios, (these are three notes played in two octaves, but they're played with either sharp, normal notes or flats, depending on the key signature) some sight reading (this is when the examiner gives me a piano piece, and I have to play it without ever seeing it before) and Aural (Aural is when the examiner plays a piece, and I have to figure out what key signature it is, whether it's in a major or minor, what dynamis is being used, what candence, and etcetera on the song he played) all in 15 minutes.

15 minutes to play all of that. To be honest, I did quite a number of mistakes in my pieces, though I'm really glad that I did everything else quite smoothly, if not perfectly. (I'm not saying I played it perfectly, for obvious reasons) I'm not really sure if I'm going to pass, so I'm a nervous wreck about it right now. Okay, not a nervous wreck, but still nervous. My friends Farhana and Sofea tell me to calm down, but it's easier said than done, no? Problem was, I didn't play my best during the exam for my pieces. If I had, I wouldn't have mind failing at all. (Note: To those that don't play piano, the passing mark is 66. It's not that easy to get that, though) Well, what's done is done, right? Now all I can do is hope for the best. I'd like it if you can wish me luck or say a prayer for me. Haha. Thanks to those that do, and to those that don't, shame on you! Haha, nah, I'm only joking. I don't mind whether you do or not, but it would be nice to do it, you know.

Now, on to the next topic...

On his way to work, my Dad almost got hit by a car. He was one corner away from his office, and before he turned, he checked both sides. The guy must have been in a blind spot because as soon as my Dad turned the guy came and almost hit my Dad. It missed my Dad by barely six inches, to be precise. Obviously, that guy was angry. Since it was my Dad's fault, he couldn't blame the guy, so he put up his hand as an apology. Wanna know the cool part? The guy continued driving in front of my Dad and waved back! That was both amazing, and odd. Thank God, though, that the car missed, or else my Dad would have been in the hospital, or worse!

To those that don't get it, read this paragraph. To those that do, skip to the next one. You're driving along the wrong, minding your own business. Suddenly, a guy turns the corner and you practically ran into him, missing just by 6 inches or less. Then, even though you're angry, when the driver of the car raises his hand in apology, all you do is continue your driving and smile and wave back. That's how amazing plus odd it was. Get it now? No? Not my problem.

Finally, we're almost done now.

Yes, you read it right the first time. I, a humble average citizen of Earth, went and edited Wikipedia. I didn't edit anything scientifical, of course. All that I edited were some (okay, most) of the episode summaries on Reaper. Hey, I had to do it! Most of the summaries were either incorrect, or not informative enough. Since I'm a current avid fan of the show (I can't believe that Season 2 is coming out in January! I can't wait that long!) and can name you what vessel was used for each soul, (try me, you won't be disappointed) I just decided to fix that page. Of course, even after watching the second season either online or on the TV, I'm still gonna buy the box set for Season 2. I have the first one, I need the second one. Only fans of a series and/or collectors can even attempt to understand what I mean.

Yes, that's pretty much what's been happening for the past few days. Dang, it's 1:26 AM already. Right, I gotta go now. Sorry, I'd have finished this sooner if it wasn't for the fact that Aboo was sitting on my lap for about the first four paragraphs (the quote thing doesn't count) and kinda made it hard for me to type. To those that don't know or have forgotten, Aboo is my pet monkey. Yes, when I say "pet monkey", I mean "pet monkey". Not that... You know.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. If you're not a musician and you don't understand some of the music jargon, get a musician friend to help translate for you. I can't be bothered to. Or, better yet, learn to play an instrument yourself!

A Guy's Point Of View

"Everything has two sides to a story. Good and evil; Sweet and bitter; Love and hate; Innocent and guilty; Boys and girls."

(NOTE: This has been edited, and is not mine in the first place. In fact, after this bracket, it's all part of an edit until the end)

Girls, you may agree to this, but when it actually happens, 96% of girls don't realize it until it's too late and the guy who did it is so frustrated that he has moved on to someone who will take notice and appreciate him.

From a guy's point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys. We don't care if you're friends with other guys. But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 AM in the morning, we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 AM that it can't wait till the next morning.

When we tell you that you're pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, stunning or anything similar to that, we freaking mean it. Don't tell us we're wrong, because we'll just stop trying to convince you.

One of the sexiest thing about a girl is her self confidence. (Yeah, you can quote me on that) Don't be mad when we hold the door for you. We're not being chauvinists that think you're too weak to open the door. We're trying to be a gentleman. Take advantage of the mood that we're in.

If we give you an expensive gift, don't feel guilty about it. We saved and/or worked hard to get it, and to us, you deserve it. If we got you a present that you don't like, tell us, but don't tell us in such a harsh way. There is a thing called "tact", you know. Whenever we give you gifts for no apparent reason, don't think that we're only giving it to you because we're in trouble. We do it because we love you.

Let us pay for you! Don't "feel bad" about it. We not only enjoy doing it, but it's what we expect to do. Just smile and say, "thank you."

Kiss us when no one is watching. But if you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be even more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us! If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't need to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every makeup that you own. We like you for who you are and not what you are. Honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her PJ's, or when she's wearing one of my T-shirts and boxers, compared to when she's all dolled up.

Don't take everything we say seriously. Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. Try to see the beauty in it.

Don't get angry easily. We never mean to hurt you. Don't be so quick to get jealous, either. Let us talk and be friends with other girls. You don't have anything to worry about. After all, we chose you.

Stop using magazines and the media as your bible. Please don't talk about "how hot Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or Jesse McCartney is" in front of us. Frankly, we don't care. You have girlfriends for that kind of stuff.

Whatever happened to the word "handsome"?

And girls, we can not stress this enough: If you aren't being treated right by a guy, don't wait for him to change. Ditch him, because he probably won't. Sorry, but guys like that are a disgrace to the male population. He's an a*s and you should find someone who will treat you with utter respect.

Someone who will honour your morals. Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest. Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes. Someone who will love you no matter how bad you make them feel, or what you do to them. Someone who will stop whatever they're doing just to look you in the eyes and say...

"I love you."

And actually mean it.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. To those that know the original, they'll know what I've added, erased, modified and fixed. Whether I've made it better or worse is debatable. I'm pretty sure that most - if not all - guys (those that aren't jerks, anyway) will agree with this. So girls, please, look at our point of view.

God, it's been a while...

"One thing that I don't understand about exams is this: Why is our future, our entire life, determined by a single piece of paper, your memory and how well you were that day?"

To be honest, I had actually planned to post in October, but one thing led to another, and now it's November. Price of procrastination, I guess. I did plan to write the personalities (as how I see it) of each of my classmates, as well as a random amount of friends not from my class. Oh well. Guess that'll have to wait.

Anyways, since I'm typing stuff now, I'm not gonna go into detail about my life at the moment (probably not, though. For all I know, I might get so used to blogging again that I'll start spilling all of my secrets. Again), so I'll just mention a dream that I had recently.

It was a really weird dream, but even though I had it a few nights ago, I can still remember it quite vividly. It started out normal enough.

Wait, scratch that. It was weird from the beginning. I remember it started with me going into a room, which was like a party theme going on (note here: not the teen party where people dance around like uncontrolled monkeys, but the kind of party where adults go to and... Talk. Not much of a party, really) and one of my best friends were there. I saw Danny and his family were there, and we were started catching up, chatting, basically having a great time from just talking. God, I miss him. That dream just made me realize how much.

After the talking, and a few feeble attempts at getting him to sleep over so that we could have more fun together, I decided to walk out of the place. As soon as I left the room, the dream seemed to skip to the future a bit, and it was suddenly 2009, and we were back in school. The way the dream moved on, it was kinda like how the movies do it, skipping loads of time effortlessly. (You know what I'm talking about)

I went into a classroom, and it was March. The classroom was one of my junior's class, and they were all talking together and hanging out in that room. In the dream, it was 3 girl's birthdays on that month, so the juniors were planning something for them. I just happened to be there, so I sat down and paid attention. People seemed to talk more to others, instead of to me. It was as if I wasn't there at all. Whenever I tried talking to some of the other juniors, they just ignored me point blank, without even glancing my way or acknowledging my existence. Even though I now know that it was a dream, it still hurt.

One thing was off about the planning of the party, though, and even though I noticed it in the dream, for some reason I didn't realize anything was amiss. Odd, no? Anyways, the thing that was off was the fact that junior I had my eye on (I'm not going to elaborate more, at least, not yet) had her birthday on in March, but her name wasn't in the list of the three girls that had their birthdays then.

I even remember saying (in the dream) "Hey, why isn't ******'s birthday in this list?" but for some reason, it was shrugged off. Then I all I remember was seeing her (for some reason, really close to my face, until I could see every flaw and perfection) organizing everything. In fact, there were only 5 juniors that I can recall, and 3 of them didn't mean that much to me, which was really quite interesting, in retrospect.

After that, it was suddenly at least one month ahead, and me and a couple of other prefects (again, juniors) were playing a water balloon war. I don't remember what happened during that at all, except that for some reason, no one got wet (other than the palm of our hands from holding the somewhat leaking water balloons)

So, that's it. My dream, finally written - or, typed, at least - into some sort of medium. Interpret it anyway you like. I don't mind. I've got my own interpretations, but the human mind is way too complicated for just one mere person to try to interpret and understand. Feel free to leave any interpretation(s) in the comment box.

Once again, sorry for taking up your time, thank you for reading my blog, and have a nice day.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I guess this makes it official that my blog is no longer in a coma.

Dead, ressurected, dead

"My number one philosophy in life is this: God before parents, parents before family (this means siblings, relatives, kids, spouse, etc.), family before friends, friends before acquaintances, acquaintances before strangers and strangers before myself. I don't care what you think of it, but that's how I live my life."

I don't believe it. I really don't freaking believe it. I got rejected by a girl because I was "too nice". What kind of reason is that?!

All this while, I thought that girls liked guys that were nice. Man, if what I thought was actually the opposite of what's true... Arrh! I haven't been living life properly! Ha ha, I'm just joking about that. I like the way I am, although it is a bit unsettling that girls will reject me for "being me", so to speak.

Thankfully though, the girl that rejected me wasn't the one, not by a long shot. There's loads of other girls, and like my friend says, "One girl down another 7 billion to go!". Ha ha, yeah, I thought there were more girls too. Ha ha!

Speaking of "the one"... I think I've found her. She really fits and everything. I'm skeptical though, judging by my current failures with the female species. That, and because I'm only 15. I'm not supposed to find "the one" yet. So, yeah. I'm gonna keep an eye out on here, and if I still think that she's "the one" after a period of time (I'm not gonna say when or who, in case I jinx it), I'm gonna go and ask her out.

Yes, me, ask her out. You can stop laughing now.

God, I'm addicted to this song, especially since it fits my love life exactly. Of course, I'm not going to put in the song's title or singer in here, since I know my cousins read this. Ha ha, you gotta blame them, not me.

Is it "wedding season" right now? There's suddenly so many weddings. My neighbours had weddings yesterday, and it was creepy to see a lot of people getting married at around the same time. Not only that, but my cousin, (a serial dater, by the way) got married last week. My cousin Luqman and I had to be the "security guards" for the wedding (No, really. We had to hold these spears and stand next to the bride and groom and be their guards) and it was fun. The adults couldn't make up their minds though, on what our facial expression should be. When we smiled, they scolded us. When we looked serious, they made fun of us. Nice, real nice.

The wedding was held on the Saturday after my PMR trials, (to those that don't know, PMR is Malaysia's equivalent to Britain's O levels. Or something like that) which was really convenient for me. Don't get me started on the trials. It was freaking hard! Okay, so maybe I'm over exaggerating the exams a bit, but I'm not kidding for the Geography and Life Studies papers. I got a "C" for Geography (honestly, I'm quite glad that I passed. Yes, it was that difficult) and the highest mark was 82%. Fortunately it was a guy. Go men! Ha ha, sorry, bias moment. Heh.

I'm not sure about the other papers, but I'm kinda confident that I'll be able to ace Math. Ha ha, I always ace Math, so that kinda goes without saying. (I'm not bragging, merely being honest. I'm kinda gifted at Math for some reason, so I ace it every time) I'm not too worried about my Islamic Studies, but I'm a nervous wreck for Life Studies and History. I don't know why, but I just feel un-confident about it. Yes, I know "un-confident" isn't a word. Yet. I just made it up. Sue me.

Arrrrh!!!! I don't know why my parents suddenly want to go on outings with all of us these past two days. Sure, I like hanging out with my parents and all (no sarcasm here; I really mean it), but I wanted to go to Random Alphabets' RWP (Read while Waiting Project), where everyone that joins (most of them Random Agents - I'm one of them, for your information) is trying to promote reading. It's a good cause, and I love doing anything that RA's leader Zain H.D. can think of. His plans are always fun, and they always have a good message of some kind.

Unfortunately, I couldn't go. It was being held simultaneously with other cities like Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Singapore to name a few. To those that went, tell me what happened! Was it successful? Has reading been promoted at all? I need to know!!!

Anyways, I went and watched a few movies with my family, and the movie we first wanted to watch was "Don't Mess With The Zohan". That was one of our biggest mistakes ever. There was so many perverted and dirty scenes in it that I'm shocked that it's rated "U"! We blamed Dad for the choice, because he chose that movie. Ha ha, yeah. The next day, (which was yesterday) we watched "Wall-E". To those that haven't watched it yet, I highly recommend it! Wait, lemme just emphasize it a bit more. I highly recommend watching it!

I watched it twice and I loved it both times. Once was with my cousin, which was earlier in the week and the other time was with my family yesterday. Both times, I laughed and cried (yes, I cried. Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean that I'm devoid of any feelings. And just 'cause I cried doesn't mean that I'm a wuss, a sensitive romantic or a homosexual!) at all the same times. 8.5 over 10 (it's not 9.5 because the opening was kinda... Slow, to be honest). Zohan gets 5, but only because I'm in a good mood right now.

School's gonna start tomorrow. I'm not sure whether to be anxious, worried or relieved. So I'm gonna be all three. On the one hand, I'll finally be able to meet my friends again, I'm gonna get my exam papers and see how badly (or, if a miracle happens, good) I did, and I'll be able to see the girl I think is "the one" plus I get to finally do something, instead of stay at home doing nothing but watch TV and... *Shudder* Study. On the other hand... It's school. You can see my obvious dilemma on what emotion to be feeling, don't you?

Right, then. This will probably be my last blog post until about 18th of October. The reason being my PMR is coming soon, and I have to study an extra extra amount. Yes, the extra was doubled on purpose for emphasis. *Sigh* I'm gonna miss blogging. And reading people's blog. And annoying people in cyberspace until they log out. Good times, good times... Ha ha, I guess I'm going to end this post now. It's getting a wee bit too long.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. Here's a post for people who want to understand Islam accurately:

Ten Things People Should Know About Islam

P.P.S. Luqman, I want my pencil case back!

Back home

"There's something wrong with the saying Home Sweet Home. There's nothing sweet about it. But... I'd rather be home than anywhere else."

I'm back home. I'd have posted sooner, but I wasn't allowed online. But when I sneaked on, BlogSpot wouldn't let me post anything for some reason. Finally, since I'm finally doing touch-ups on my History folio, I took this opportunity to blog. I'm going to talk about what happened the last few days. Be warned. This post will be very long. Even for my normal standard.

On Saturday morning, my sister and I had to get up early to go to the Islamic camp. It's by YMP. That's Young Muslims Project, by the way. They have a FaceBook group, so check it out when you get the chance to. Or if you're interested. Whichever one comes first.

Obviously, we got there late. My Dad was sending, what do you expect? Although, to his merit, this time we only got lost, instead of Dad's usual lateness. It's kinda an inside joke now, about my Dad's "punctuality". (Whenever he fetches me from school, there's a 99% chance I'll get home late).

We first introduced each other. Except, though, there was this nice little twist. We had to introduce someone else. The person beside us, to be frank. We had to introduce his/her name, two things (s)he likes and two thing (s)he dislikes as well as their favourite animal. Me and the two people that introduced each other (yeah, we were weird in that while most of the people were in pairs, we were in threes). The guy on my right was Daniel; he was introduced by the guy on his right (Hadi). I introduced Hadi, and Daniel introduced me. It's kinda confusing to tell you without showing any pictures, so I hope you understand.

After the half hour break, we had a workshop on empathy. We were basically learning how to see from the other person's point of view. In essence, what we were doing was learning how to solve conflicts better. We did some role play, and I was in the second set. (I'm proud to admit that I volunteered without hesitation - in front of around 60 people) Our "argument" was this: I was the captain of a football team, and I just took out our strikers. Because of that, we lost. The vice-captain (the guy I'm "arguing" with) was angry at me. Apparently, our argument was so convincing that the speaker (Kuranda Seyit) decided to intervene. He said that it seemed like I was about to beat Marwan (the vice-captain) up. I need to note here that he's taller and older than me. Which kinda made that statement funny. Of course, ever since that role play session, everyone knew me as "captain". Especially during the "Free and Easy" session.

After we had our lunch and our Zuhur prayers, we had another talk. This time, it was about boy-girl relationships. Boy, was that talk interesting. Now, I'm not gonna go into any details, but basically we were talking about how to have a halal relationship. Like, getting our parent's blessings, and etc. Well, as you can expect, we were so interested in the talk that we ended up skipping our tea break. Which then, of course, ended up with us not being able to complete another session called "The Great Debate". Don't ask me what it's about, 'cause I have no idea. But I think it involves a debate, though.

Then, probably because we messed up the schedule, we had a really fun game called "When the big wind blows". Someone has to stand up, and say, "The big wind blows for [insert something like, "everyone wearing black"]", and those that have it [in this case, are wearing black] have to get up and sit at another chair. Yeah, that was really fun.

Since our plans were messed up, we went straight to "Free and Easy" (remember that I mentioned it earlier?). Here, we had 2 whole hours to do whatever we liked. We first played some soccer, and I remember painfully when someone - I think it was Mamoug - kicked the ball very very hard and it hit me in my most sensitive area.

Yes, yes, I know it's funny, but c'mon, don't laugh that much!

Before that, though, everyone on my team were calling "captain" (because of the role playing thing), even though I clearly wasn't. It's kinda our inside joke, if we ever meet again. Heh. After the girls complained that they weren't having any fun, we decided to play kickball. Which was really interesting, since none of us had ever played it before. Heck, none of us even played baseball before. (Kickball is kinda like that... Hard to explain. Meh) It was boys against girls. The first round, us guys were losing 7-6. Then, the game ended with 8-8. Yeah, it was a draw. But if the guy (dang it, I can't remember his name!) had caught the ball, we'd have won 8-7! Well, what can you do?

After we had dinner and did our Maghrib prayers, we watched a documentary by Kuranda Seyit - one of the speakers. It was about his life in Australia, being a Muslim immigrant from Turkey. It was beautifully made, and I think only a beast from the dark (i.e. something not human) wouldn't have felt touched by it. It was really amazing. I might be able to get the CD one day (most of us wanted it), and if I do, I'll be sure to lend it to you. (Note: only applicable to people that I know personally) Before we left, we had a cool game where the person says a scene [say, a battlefield] and everyone has to do something that will complete the scene yet harmonize the situation.

Example, the scene is "a war zone". People ended up walking to the "stage" doing war poses. Some people were medics. I myself was an infantry unit that was killed by behind. Remember, we weren't supposed to do something that stood out. We're supposed to do something that'll harmonize the place. As an example, our first scene was "pasar malam" (night market, Malaysian style), and it was a catastrophe. The stalls were a mess. The road was missing (because everyone was so jumbled up), and there was a motorcyclist in the middle of the stalls.

But the last one, "Hari Raya celebrations" (Eid celebrations), was perfect. There were some people playing with those cannon fireworks ourside; I was messing my friend's hairstyle, and he was pouring a drink for a girl; the said girl was giving her friend some food as well as having her cup poured with water; some people were playing PS2 in the living room; others were seeking forgiveness from parents; there were some that were checking to see if the money they got were real... It made everything perfect, since it all fit in. Man, that was the best game, ever. We were sad when we had to go to sleep. (One rule for the game: No talking allowed)

Then, we ate supper (I'm still unsure what's the difference between supper and dinner) and went to sleep. Before I forget, remind me to shoot Faheem countless times with a BB gun. He kept shooting everyone that passed his bunk with an electronic BB machine gun. Man, that hurt...

We were supposed to sleep at 11.30, but because we talked so much, we ended up sleeping at around... Oh, I dunno, sometime around 2? Yeah, around there.

The next day, we woke up at 5.30, for Fajr prayers. Five freaking thirty! That's only, what? 3 hours of sleep! Thankfully, I managed to get up. I'm gonna thank Aiman here, for waking me up by hitting my butt with a towel (or pillow - I can't really remember). Good times, gooood times...

At 6.30, there was aerobics. The majority of us, though, went to sleep instead of exercising. The next workshop would be at 9, so we wanted to get as much sleep as possible. Yeah, yeah, we should have slept earlier. Sue us for wanting to socialize more before going to bed. Heh.

After we all woke up and refreshed ourselves, we had a workshop on how to make a mark as a Muslim. How to leave an impression on the world as a Muslim, and in a good way, not like those stupid suicide bombers. A note here: Islam bans Muslims to react with violence, unless to defend yourself. It's filled with religious stuff, so I'm going to have to stop talking about this one, since I'm pretty sure not everyone that reads this is a Muslim.

The next workshop was really interesting. It was generally about "How to be a teenage Muslim and still be cool". They kinda just taught us that we weren't really restricted because we didn't want to, say, smoke, or drink beer, or do drugs. But they were restricted, because that's all they can think about to have fun. After all, as a Muslim, who says we can't bike ride? We can't rock climb, parachute, scuba diving, swim and all those other fun things?

There was more, but this blog is getting a wee bit too long, so I don't want to bore you with more meaningless details. A little too late, but meh.

After the Zuhur prayers and lunch, (I was "volunteered" to be the Imam; Oh, and I forgot to mention. On Saturday, for a reason I can't remember, Kuranda said that I was probably going to be the next Prime Minister! Ha ha, is that funny or what? ... Come on, laugh!) we had a really nice talk by a professor. I'm not gonna say her name, (partly because I don't want to, and partyly because I... Forgot) but she was a really good speaker. This talk was about sex before marriage.

Yes, you read right. Sex. Of course, it wasn't about sex in detail. It was about how we reach sexual maturity after puberty (10 years old nowadays) and by the time we get married (30, on average). That's 20 years! 20 years! Well, because of that, we obviously became "creative", so to speak. You can see it in loads of teens. In fact, this is the reason why teenagers end up having sex before marriage. Now I'm gonna share some cool facts and statistics that I learned or were told in the camp. Prepare to be amazed.

For every baby born, there is at least two abortions.

Out of 887 teenage girls, aged 13 - 16, from around 40 different schools, only one was a virgin.

A survey was done to 18 year olds. 40% admitted that they started dating when they were 13 (I'm part of the 60%! Woo! Ha ha). By the age of 18,

84% admitted to having held hands.
85% admitted to kissing and/or necking.
83% admitted to petting.

~> 9% have had pre-marital sex. Most of them were boys.

All I can say to those are... Wow. People are... Wow. Yeah, I can't really say much, can I? I'm almost speechless. Now, to those think that they're ready to have sex, read this. Please.

You're Not Ready To Have Sex If...

~You think sex = love.
~You're afraid to say no.
~You think everyone else is doing it.
~You don't know the facts about pregnancy.
~You don't think a woman can get pregnant the first time.
~It goes against your religious and moral beliefs.
~You're doing it to prove something. (*Cough loser cough*)
~You think it will make your partner love you.
~You think it will make you love your partner.

To every teenager out there... It's okay to wait! Save sex for marriage! (Yes, it's "save", not "safe")

We had a final game, which was called "Zip Zap Boing". I'm not going into details here, because I'm too lazy to. If you wanna know how it's played, lemme know, and then I'll let you know. Oh, and I forgot to mention, we had two other activities. Both included non verbal communication, and writing was not allowed. For one, we had to construct a "sacred space" (a place you go to feel calm, relaxed, at ease, etc.; My groups' "sacred space" was the stars: You just have to look up, and it's always there.).

In the other activity, we were grouped up in pairs, and one person had to give instructions on how to draw, and the other person wasn't allowed to speak. The person with the picture had to say stuff like, "Okay, draw a triangle. Now another triangle below it. Next, under the second triangle, draw a horizontal rectangle." for, say, a tree. I apparently didn't get the memo, cause I was saying stuff like, "Alright, draw a horizontal line. Then, draw two vertical lines going downwards on both sides. Then connect the two vertical lines together with a horizontal line." for a square. Amazingly, it turned out really good.

We had to go home not long after. My sisters brought Aboo, and everyone was fawning over him. He ended up showing off, by climbing on my head and looking at everyone. Ha ha, he was so cute. We took a group picture, and went home. The people I met there... Marwan, Amar, Syafiq, Faheem, Shakeen... It's gonna be hard to forget about them. I just hope that I manage to keep in touch.

Well, Monday ended up being a really uninteresting day compared to the weekend. In fact, I skipped school. Official reason? I had a headache. (It wasn't that bad, though. It was just a reason). Unofficial reason? I skipped it. Yeah, it's a good thing that we're no longer learning anything, and it's all just pop quizzes and work sheets. I was so not in the mood of any of that.

I came to school on the other days. Well, I'm gonna end this long post now.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

Edit: I forgot to mention, the reason I didn't say we prayed Asar or Isyak is because we combined them. We can do that, if we're out of our hometown. Oh, and to those interested, Anwar Ibrahim's daughter, Hanna, was there. Just wanted to let you know.

Something unbreakable was almost broken

"Don't listen to what other people say. Sing your own song, dance to your own beat, say your own lines and laugh at your own jokes. Live life your way, so don't take this advice just because I told you to."

Not asking her out is turns out to actually be a really good idea. Oh, right, you don't know about it.

Well, when I was in Standard 3 (or 4, the details are sketchy), I made a vow to myself to not date anyone unless I found the one. The reason? I want her to be my real and true soulmate. Not just some girl that I'd probably breakup with after a few months, weeks, days, dates and etc. Until now, I don't think I've really found her yet, so if I asked her, my vow would be broken.

Which is why it's a good thing I changed my mind. Now you're probably wondering how I'd know who the one is? Well, that's easy. She'd make me feel different than if I was with anyone else. I'd do things that are degrading and humiliating (because if she really IS the one, she wouldn't make me do anything like that), and I wouldn't even have to know her to feel that "chemistry" that you only get with really close friends.

Though, my cousins and parents are skeptical about this. They have this really weird idea that I can only find the one after dating a lot of girls. That way I could quote my Mum, "know what I like and what I don't like", unquote. Yes, that's why she wanted to set me up on a blind date.

Seriously, though, I'm interested to know how the one will look like. Another sure sign is that my family and friends will love her. Also, we'd be total opposites yet have everything in common. Aaah, it's hard to explain that one, really actually. Plus, I'll just know.

Alright, enough about that. I have to mention that I won't be posting this weekend (which is why I'm posting today. I'm supposed to be redoing my stupid History Folio (for some reason, I got it back twice while everyone in my class only got it back once - how is that fair?!).

I'll be at a camp this weekend, and I'm really reluctant to go. It's not because it's an Islamic camp - that's the aspect that I'm interested in - no, it's just that I don't like camps. Don't ask why, I just don't. It's not because I had a bad camping experience when I was younger (I didn't) or because I don't know how to camp (look, I may be a city boy, but I act like a village kid; I just prefer technology. Ha ha). It's just that... Actually, I don't have any actual reason why. At least my consolation is that I won't have to go to school this Saturday. We're having extra classes. I don't have anything against learning, but school doesn't let me go to my full potential. Besides, when are we ever going to need to know certain things such as how to find the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle?!

Wow, what started as a "It's a good reason I'm not going to date" post is quickly becoming my regular ramblings. Meh, must be my natural instinct to write. Ha ha! Nah, I was just joking about that. Unlike what people think, I don't brag (except to brag about me not bragging. But that's a different whole 'nother story)

To everyone reading, I need to ask. In this aspect, am I normal? No, not the "bragging" thing. It's just that, when it comes to music, I prefer songs from the old days. Songs by ABBA, Air Supply, Westlife, Dawn, to name a few. Songs such as "Super Trouper", "Every Woman In The World To Me", "Fool Again", "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree" and etc. At 15 years of age. As a teenager, is that normal? Because except for certain songs and bands, the ones with great lyrics or exceptional music respectively, I'd rather listen to these "Oldies", as my generation puts it.

To be frank, music nowadays are going downhill. There's more style than substance. Except for those especially nice ones, the ones with deep meanings like OneRepublic's "Apologize" (to those of you that don't know, it's by OneRepublic, not Timbaland. Timbaland ruined it when he remixed it), about a guy that no longer will accept his girlfriend's apologies anymore. Or emotionally meaningful ones like Sum 41's "Address This Letter (Dear Father)", which is about a guy whose Dad left him when he was a kid, and he wants to tell his Dad that he (the guy) wishes he (the Dad) never left, but he's being just fine without his Dad.

Yes, my generation has lost the true meaning of quality music. How can people listen to eardrum damaging songs that not only not make sense, but if they do make sense, it's about something totally irrelevant to life.

Wanna know what I hate about my "peers"? They think that music by groups and/or bands like the ones stated above are "mushy love songs". Yes, they're love songs. Yes, sometimes they're mushy. But have you actually took the time to actually listen to them? Try listening to Dawn featuring Tony Orlando's "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree". It's about a guy, who, after three years of being in prison, sends a letter to his lover that if she still loves him, she must tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree. If she doesn't, he'll take the hint and leave, as well as take the blame. When he sees the tree, however, he sees one thousand yellow ribbons! The song is about true love. If you don't like that concept, then you're nothing but a cynical being. Not worth being called a human.

Or how about Air Supply's "Every Woman In The World"? I want you guys and girls to actually listen to that song. And actually listen to the lyrics. If you can honestly say that it was the worst piece of merde that you've ever heard (mind my French), then, well, you honestly don't deserve my attention nor respect. I'm not saying I'm better than you, but I am saying that I don't want to waste time on people like this.

Oh my God, French is so freaking hard to learn! But man, once you know how to say certain things, it feels really good. So now I'm going to change my endings. I won't be using "Till next time" anymore. I'm just letting you know. Alright, I've gotta go now. Homework and all.

Salut,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. Aboo, my pet monkey, got interviewed by the school newspeople. More on that next time.

I'm not going to do it, after all

"Being brave is very easy. Being a coward is even easier. What's really hard, though, is knowing when to be brave and when to be a coward."

Aw, man. I am such a coward! Just dub me, "Most Cowardly Geek Of The Century". Okay, that's kinda an exaggeration, but nonetheless.

Remember when I said that I was going to ask this girl out next year, on Valentine's Day? Well, I'm not going to. The reason is really quite simple. Among everything, I treasure friendship the most. She's one of my closest friends, and I really don't want to ruin our friendship. In any way.

Yeah, when it comes to friends, I don't take risks. I know that friends come and go, but what's the harm in holding on to them as long as possible?

This is probably how it'll end. Me being with a lot of friends, but alone. I'm just one of those guys that girls don't ever have crushes on, let alone like. No, I'm not whining here, just stating a fact. Girls always say to me, "you're such a great friend", "thanks for listening to my problems", and even, "how can girls not like you? You're (insert good adjectives here)!" You know, every single time a girl says that to me, I'm tempted to ask, "Well, then, do you like me?"

Meh, it'd be too awkward, no?

I'm so glad to get that out of my chest. One of my friends told me not to lose hope, and that I still have 7 months until February, and that she might fall for me by then. Yep, the friend that said that is a girl.

If she falls for me, I want her to say that to my face. Don't start by giving excuses such as, "She's too shy!" What the heck?! I've already confessed! Why should she feel any shyness?

Hmm, this is getting a wee bit too love related. But can someone please explain something to me? Is it true that some girls, when they like a guy, they won't admit it, even after he confesses? Some of my friends have told me that so-called "fact" and it doesn't make sense. At all. I need confirmation from you readers out there.

Oh, God, school. You know, I recently did an essay, and we had to "describe" everything. I think I took it a bit too literally, since it's over four pages long. I never want to do another "describing" essay ever again. I mean, seriously. Over four pages?! What's up with that?!

*Sighs* Life is getting too complicated for my taste. Don't take this as suicidal, but I kinda feel like dying sometimes. Oh, no, not because I don't wanna live or anything stupid like that. It's just that... I really want to see what's on the other side. I'm sure that Islam (Note: this is a personal opinion!) is the most accurate religion, but I still just want to see who really got it right. Hey, you never know, right?

The only people I seem to envy are the dead ones. Why? Well, let's just say, I think they're the luckiest people there is. For all we know, there's no longer any more pain; they don't feel anything at all... The only downside to wanting to know is that, to actually know, you have to die first. Don't take it the wrong way. I love being alive, but if I'm going to die, I won't be complaining.

There's this untested theory that when someone is close to their date of death (DOD), they tend to act differently. I'm not sure if that's true, but I haven't been being myself lately. It could be anything, of course, and I'm not choosing any favourites.

Oh, right, I haven't told you guys about my current health. The pain in my head is apparently from my sinus. According to the doctor, there's an infection in my sinus. I've taken some medication, but I won't know for certain whether it works or not until the second week. Which starts today.

Remember this saying: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

That's pretty much how I see life. Right, it's 10:23, my Mum and Dad are getting angry at me (I'm not supposed to be online on weekdays), and I just remembered some unfinished homework. If I change my mind and decide to ask her, you'll be updated. Same thing goes if she tells me that she likes me. Both are unlikely, but it'll be noted in here.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. Luqman, if you're reading this, if you're bragging and/or emphasizing about how you greeted me "nicely", the purpose is gone. Oh, and happy belated birthday (again)!

One hectic week... OR Dating blind

"Blind dating isn't only for the blind. After all, love itself is blind."

First of all, let me apologize for not being able to blog. Not only was I very busy, but it has been a really crazy and hectic week for me. Don't forget to add that I can only use the computer in the weekends.

Right. You're probably wondering why it's been so hectic.

Well, let's just put it this way. My Mum suddenly wants me to have a girlfriend, and she's actually forcing me to date. Of course, I refused. What kind of person in their right minds want to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, if you're a girl) without actually liking the person? I'll only date a girl if I really really like her. You know, there is this girl I'm planning on asking out (yep, a Sharrif first!) but I'm chickening out. I've never done this kinda thing before, you know, so I'm shaking like a rattlesnake's tail.

My plan is to ask her out on Valentine's Day, but I still have no better way to do it other than by saying, "Hey, um... Will you, uh, be my Valentine?" Yeah, reall smooth. Not to mention cliché as well. Meh. What'll happen, will happen, and what won't, won't. We'll just see.

Anyways, back to my actual topic. She said that if I didn't have a girlfriend by next year, I'd be set up on a blind date. Finally, on Friday, I decided to negotiate with my Mum. Finally, she caved. She won't set me up on a blind date until I'm 21 or 25. I can't remember which. Either way, I still have a lot of time to find a girl willing enough to date me. *Clears throat* Any girl interested out there? *Winks "flirtatiously"*

Haha., okay, enough of that. Now I'm pretty sure you're thinking, "How is being forced to go on a date enough to make it a hectic week?". You're not...? Meh, I'm still going to tell you what else happened.

You know how school is boring? Don't be afraid to admit it. You hate school, don't you? Be it the strict dress code, dumb rules or evil sadistic teachers, there's always something to hate about school. Hey, don't get it wrong here. I actually love learning. It's just that I hate waking up to go to school. I'd rather stay at home and learn there, like through unschooling. Or going through homeschooling things like tuition. Which is why I decided to start a student revolution. Taking tips from "School-survival.net", me and my friends are starting a revolution!

We need at least 200 people to join us. So far, we only have about 20. I kinda forgot to recruit more people, ha ha. So if you're interested, give me a call. I'm at 3 Gigih. Ask for Sharrif. Remember, we don't promote violence. Only change. Note: I'm only searching for recruits in my school, which is SMKS 9.

Alright, I'm getting sleepy.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I got back my RuneScape account! Finally! For those that want to add me, my username is Josh_Carter4.

Hot off the newspaper!

"News is only news if people care. Since all people care about is destruction, mayhem and death, what does that make us? Barbarians?"

I bet you didn't hear about this. I'm pretty sure that you didn't. How do I figure that? Well, it's about my friend's personal life, and he didn't seem to mind about me putting it in here (meaning, he didn't object), so here it will be put. For all time.

Or, until I decide to get rid of it. Which would be never.

Anyways, on to the story. My classmate, Aizat, and another classmate, Jennifer (not her real name), are apparently dating! Now, not only was that really shocking (Aizat is kinda... Well, the type of guy girls aren't into. Unless girls are into dark, gothic, depressed, dark-minded, dirty-minded and disfunctional weaklings. Which means I'll have to change my entire image. Dang.) but they actually call each other "husband and wife" online!

Well, now I finally have some ammunition against him. Wait until everybody in class reads about this... Which is why I'm depending on you, readers, to popularize my blog. Tell everyone! The world deserves to know! Ha ha, I'm like some sort of tabloid manager newspaper editor. Wait, not newspaper editor. It's closer to "Newspaper boy". You know, the one that's telling everyone what the news is.

I'm kinda worried about the two of them, though. Since they're already "husband and wife", (so to speak) they might decide to do third base. If you know what I mean. To be frank, that's kinda disgusting, doing it at 15 and all. Do people actually do third base at 15? Don't they have some sense of control?

Right, that's enough about the two lovebirds. I'll update as the news comes.

My friend Ming Yi is in a dilema. She's in love with this guy that's trying to choose between her and another girl. But, honestly, I don't see how hard it is to choose. He's in love (at least like, anyway) with Ming Yi, and it's only infatuation with this other girl that doesn't even know him. It's not that hard to choose, mate. Just go with the one you love, not the one you infatuate. Wow, that sounds weird, no?

We're receiving an update about the husband and wife thing!

Apparently, Aizat has more than one wife! Before I lecture him, I have to ask. How the heck is he the type of guy that attracts girls!? Now for the lecture. Aizat! How could you cheat on your wife?! That's despicable! It's low! It's crude! And it's amazing. (Hah, you weren't expecting that, were you?)

But seriously, though, Aizat, stick to one girl. If you're reading this, I'm telling it to you as a friend. If you have more than one wife, you'll just end up hurting all of them, and you'll probably be slapped a few times. Oh, and don't give me any nonsense about how "Life is too short for just one girl". If you're going to tell me that, you should never have gotten married in the first place!

That's all for now.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

New and improved

"I've always wondered about the 'new and improved' saying. How can something new be improved, if it's never been made before?"

You'll never guess what I just got. Go on, guess!

Right. You know, that line will never be understood by me. If I'm just told that I'd never be able to guess it, then why the heck would I waste my time trying in the first place? Am I right or am I right?

Anyways, on to my actual reason for posting. I had my hair cut! It was long and now it's... Not long. It's basically the same as my old hairstyle, only shorter. Um... Yeah, I never knew how pathetic I was until I read that a few times, over and over again. Okay, not really pathetic. But still, you've got to be something to have the same old hairstyle even after a haircut!

I just wanted to add, my headache is still going strong. It's as if it [the pain] has it's own personal mission to hurt me. Fortunately, though, he (yes, I'm calling my pain "he") tends to get tired longer and longer now. It used to hurt all the time, but now, it hurts only painfully in the afternoon until night, and random times in the morning. And loud sounds still make him wake up with a vengeance. Other than those times, though, he's peacefully sleeping, and I'd like to keep him that way.

Oh, right!

Before I forget (or, before my pain wakes up), I need to mention this. I do not have a tumour. (At least, not yet, anyways.) So stop talking about it like I do! I swear, if I get another "Is it true that you have a brain tumour?" like question, I'm going to snap! Anyways, I'm going to have to go for another checkup on Monday (it actually was supposed to be Saturday, but my parents just had to go and leave me and the rest of us here and go off to Jakarta), since there's still pain.

Oh, yes, you read right. My parents aren't home for the weekend. Now, I'm not a party teen, so I'm not whooping with joy. But I'm not down in the dumps, either. At least now I won't have any problems with people coming over. For studying, of course. For once, please try to stop thinking illegal and slash or dirty thoughts.

And now I'm home alone. What about my siblings, you ask? My twin sisters have gone somewhere (they were gone when I woke up, I swear!) and my brother is sleeping over at a cousin's house. My other sister isn't really much company, so yeah, technically, I'm home alone.

It's going to be a looooooooong week. There's nothing to look forward to, to be honest. I only have studying, TV, the computer, and more studying. Not to mention the pain. Never forget the pain.

Ooh, ooh, guess what? I have a long-lost twin that I never knew of! Ha ha, I wish. Actually, I just have this new pen pal (or is it "chat chum"?), and we have so much things in common it's freaky. Her blog's link is there is on my blog, although it's private - sorry, readers, you won't get to read her awesome blog. Your loss.

Man I'm getting bored now. Blogging just isn't what it used to be *Sigh* Although it's cool that random people are reading my blog. How they got this link, I shall never know. After all, it's really complicated to accidentally type the URL. Look at all the dashes in it! Heck, one of my friends typed it wrong, even when I gave him the link. See how complicated it is?

Anyways, I'm going to go now. If I get any inspiration to type more (or, if I just suddenly get an idea for a random blog title) I'll update. Later!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

Healthy illnesses

"An illness is only an illness if it deteriorates your life in any way. (Be it physically, emotionally or mentally)"

Dang. Illnesses seem to like me a lot this past month lately.

Remember roughly last month, I had my appendix taken out? Now I'm having a throbbing headache. Hopefully, it's only from my glasses lack of power, and isn't anything serious, but the doctor did mention that it could be a tumour. At my eye or brain. *Sigh*

I'm not going to believe him, though. Last time I did, it only turned out to be my appendix. This time it's probably only because of my glasses. But, hey, if it's anything serious, I'll just update and let you all know. And to think. I only got this diagnosis after talking about overdosing my 650 MG painkillers - Connected or coincidence?

This headache hurts more than my stomach. Good news, though. I'm still able from taking too much Uphamol (the painkillers I'm taking) in too short a time. Although I can barely think straight right now. Just going to apologize if what this post is about tends to be... Un-me, if you know what I mean.

I just realized. After two days, and only now do I realize. If it's a tumour, I'll have to go into the hospital! God no! I'm starting to dislike hospitals. I still remember that when I was younger, I practically lived in the hospital because of my many sudden illnesses. I really really really don't want to "live" in the hospital again.

Speaking of hospitals, one of my classmates recently got herself... Wounded, somehow. From how other classmates mentioned it, it seems that she fell down and cut herself so badly, a lot of blood came out. If she's reading it, Sophie, hope you get better soon! Oh, and when you get back to school, I'm going to force you to tell me what happened, so there.

My God the pain is horrible. It's as if my head brain suddenly hates me, and now it wants to get out of my head! You know how that's like, right? Wait, you don't. Unless you do, then yeah, I can't believe you're allowed to go online. (I'm not, actually, but I just felt like posting slash updating this blog)

I had to go home early last Friday. And I missed my tuition. That was so unfair. For all I know, we had a ton of homework, and now I'll be waaay behind everyone else. Meh, life's evil like that, no?

Everything is too loud.

I'm going to finish this post soon, since the keyboard-is-being-typed sound is giving me a bigger headache. I'll update when I either get better, or worse. See ya!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I think I fell in love with her again. Either that, or I never un-loved her. This is getting complicating.

Overdosage, and etc.

"Is overdose really that bad? Besides death, what other symptoms are there?"

I'm going to do it. I really am.

650 MG is definitely not working for my pain. I'm gonna start doubling the dosage. Just so you know, if I don't post a new post by next month, it means I'm dead.

No, not intentionally. But still dead. (No words will help against this. I'm not suicidal, just in pain)

Anyways... On to cheerier news (did I spell that right? "Cheerier"? Meh, the evil red spelling lines aren't there, so I guess it is). A lot of things have been happening, too much to actually mention specifically. So I'll just do my best, and apologies to any and all unorganized-ness.

I've been in this really weird honest mood lately. Not that I lie often, it's just that I'm suddenly being so open. You could ask me any question and I'd answer it. My classmate - Aziat - has even run out of questions. He was asking questions from random ones - such as "contacts or glasses?" - to more personal ones, like, "How do you really feel about [her] now?" Since none of you asked it, I'm not going to answer that question to you. But if you decide to ask, there's a high probability that I'll answer it, looking at my current "mood" as of this week. Any question asked, at least right now, will be answered honestly and to the point. No guarded or deflecting answer, just the hard, cold truth.

Why did I just spend a whole paragraph on telling people that I'm going to be honest? Now I'm gonna get loads of personal questions, like "Who do you currently like?", "What did you like about [her]?" and "Who did you used to like?". Seriously, guys. Be more creative. If you can, don't ask the same questions over and over again. It gets annoying. Really.

I did this career personality test thing with a few of my classmates, and what I got was... Well, kinda contradicting. Letter-wise, I was ISC. That means Investigative (which is true), Social (so-so, but mostly false) and Controversial/Conventional (this one was totally wrong). It was done in the counseling room, and we ended up getting counseling. Oh, what joy! We had a group-counseling session to begin with, and by the next one, I was the only one there. My so-called "friends" ditched me. Again. Thanks a lot, Ben, Amirul and Aizat. Really appreciate it.

I'm taking another personality questionnaire, since apparently, the counselor thought that my personality was so complex. She also thought that my level of thinking and total overall ability to perform is 4.5 and above. Out of 5. I know, right? Me, 4.5! What a huge joke, right?

I had this really weird dream last night. I was chatting (well, texting) with this girl, and then she mentioned that she (finally, apparently) had a boyfriend. For some reason, I got jealous, and told her about my girlfriend (which apparently was also new - we haven't been on a first date yet). Then she got jealous as well. We sent a few texts back and forth, and the last text she sent me is still vivid in my mind. It was something along the lines of, "Is it a real date?", in a I-couldn't-care-less-but-I'm-still-hopeful-that-it's-not-real kinda tone. At least, it was in my dream. Before I could reply to that, I woke up.

Bad timing, eh?

I've got loads more to say, so keep up with me here! I don't want you snoozing on me. Speaking of snoozing, my tuition mate Zulkarnain fell asleep. During the class. Adlan noticed it first, and he gestured for me to wake him up. Which I did. By hitting him on the thigh. He woke up with a shock, but only on the second hit (yes, I had to hit him twice hard before he woke up). Of course, the whole class laughed loudly at him. He even said that he didn't realize he had fallen asleep. He was just sitting down, then *poof!* Welcome to Dreamland!

There's this girl at my tuition, well, maybe I like her. Maybe it's just another rebound. Heck, I dunno anymore. My feelings are all mixed up right now. I can't decide whether to do anything about this or not. On the one hand, she's cute and smart, and there'd be no harm in not only asking her out, but also with going out with her. Plus I think that I like her. On the other hand, I don't think it's a good year for relationships (since it's PMR year - kinda like SAT year, only at a lesser degree of importance), I made a bet with my cousin on who'd be in a relationship first loses (deadline would be next year), I want to actually to be able to drive my girlfriend to dates and I'm still not sure if she's just a person I'm rebounding "her" off, or if I really do like her. Remember an earlier post (the last one, I think)? Same story, different people.

More updates on that story as it comes in. On to you, Bob.

Thank you Charlie. It seems that this boy turned blogger named Sharrif, or Josh, as his blog readers know him, is addicted to this mint called Eclipse. Apparently he can't go a day without taking at least two without going crazy. I think this guy might need to have his addiction stopped or it could be harmful to his friends and family. Back to you, Charlie.

Yes, yes. I'm addicted to Eclipse. I don't know what got me to be like that. One moment, I was eating it. Next moment, I can't stop eating it without detoxing my body. It's weird, but the smell of the mints is enough to get me high. Is Eclipse being used as a drug? Oh, say it ain't so! Anyways, I'm kinda running out, (it's been the best distraction for my pain, by the way) so I'll most likely start double dosing.

Which leads to the primary topic of this post. Overdosage. Is it really that bad? Come on, it can't always land in Death. There has to be symptoms before the death, right? I'm not afraid of dying - no one should be - I'm more afraid of leaving behind someone who actually gives a care about me. If you look at the Picture Of The Month for July, you'll understand. But if things get too painful for me, I'll have to double dose. The pain isn't just in my stomach anymore, either. It's spreading around to my chest areas. This means my lungs and heart are in pain, too. Yes, I'm literally living the old love saying of, "It only hurts when I breathe". Which is true quite a lot of the time. We'll just have to wait and see.

There are loads more that I want to add, but I don't have the time, nor am I that cruel, boring you to death like this. So,

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

Why why WHY!?

"Change is what makes the world unique. Whoever does something over and over again and enjoys it, then he is less than pathetic."

Adrian Monk once said something along the lines of, "Change is good, as long as I'm not there when it happens." I couldn't agree more.

The teacher is going to be changing our class seating arrangements, because a few people went and failed. Gah, these people are giving a bad name for all guys everywhere. Then again, guys everywhere are doing that too... Meh.

Open Day was today, and it was interesting. Reason is simple. Once again, my class teacher gave my Mum the same script. The old, "Your son has a lot of potential. He would do so much better if he tried more and put more work into it." Yadda yadda yadda.

It's not that I have anything against her personally, but it's just that every teacher that's been with me say the same thing to my parents, regardless of how I act slash behave. It's like they have a script made just for me, which they pass around for the reason to tell my parents. Paranoid, much? Haha, that sounded so girly, don't you agree? Don't worry, I'm not a faggot slash homosexual person.

Speaking of this subject, just wanted to let you all that are interested know that the girl I had a rebound for is no longer a rebound. No, this doesn't mean that I like her more. It simply means that I'm (once again) a free agent. A person who has no ties to anyone emotionally at all. Just like so many of you.

That wasn't an insult, could you please drop the gun!? Thank you.

To those of you interested, I'm single and totally available now. From reading my blog, you should know how my mind works. *Wink wink* Haha, okay, I think that's enough for now.

I'm feeling sleepy. Night~!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. Whether I was joking or not on that offer, well, that's entirely up for you to decide. Haha!

Testing.

No more imitation - At least, not from you.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but not so when the imitation is an insult."

Aaaah! Dang it! I am so seriously angry right now. Funny how the only two emotions I truly feel are happiness and anger. Especially anger. Which I'm feeling right now. Can you please remind me to control my urges, at least for now?

I'm totally losing it.

The urge is taking over me bit by bit. Man, I really gotta learn how Dexter can plan every detail properly and precisely. Maybe then I can actually live with this... This thing inside of me.

Anyways, let's get back to topic. A few girls in my class had this English presentation, and what was it they did? They did a role play that included them playing as four guys, and - guess what? - they totally degraded, humiliated and insulted us. They didn't even ask us for permission, let alone do it even a bit right.

Razin is a good artist, and wanna what they made "him" do? They made him show off his art. He never shows off his art, ever. Heck, most of the time we have to make him show us his latest drawing. Unless we asked him to draw something for us. That's a whole different story. I'm going to be honest here. When it comes to his drawings, Razin is a wee bit too humble than he should be. That's a good thing, I guess.

Faiz had muscles and works out. He doesn't need to show off, although he does show off at times, but usually when it's one of those "macho" acts. You know how it is, right, guys? Most of you guys think it's macho sometimes to show off your biceps (I don't understand it, though). They ended up making "him" do show off stuff out of the blue. Apparently they think that all boys like showing off whatever asset that they might have (like Razin's drawings and Faiz's... Erm... Brawn?)

Aizat was hit the worst. He is known as a loner to most of the classmates and he's usually seen with his eyes like slits. Like, Brock, from Pokemon, if you've ever watched it. But he never says the word stupid, he only has his eyes like that when he's bored or being teased, and he only disses the teacher if he was unfairly scolded. Like, when he finishes his work, did it the best he could, and then the teacher scold him for not doing it nicely. Stuff like that. Well, let's just say, they went and made "him" do everything opposite of that. "He" was having his eyes in every scenario, "he" was dissing the teacher when "he" was scolded correctly (this meaning that he really didn't do something, and was thus scolded) and "he" was using the words "stupid" a lot. So out of character.

I don't think mine was so bad, but I was insulted on personal things. Like, I use "Joshster" a lot because it's a connection of "Josh Carter", and "Joshster" sounded nicer than "Joshter". (Oh, I forgot to mention; they were putting these names around their necks, like a necklace. It was "us" with minor changes: Razin became Razif. Bros became Berush (that's Faiz's nickname - don't ask). Makoto became Sakoto (Aizat's Japanese name) and mine was just Joshster.)

Another one, when I say something, I only repeat it because I don't think people are listening. "I" was repeating it like "I" was some broken parrot that forgot to stop repeating a phrase! Then they did the biggest insult of all my non-mental illness rituals. They made "me" do the "camera motion" with "my" hands! (You know, the one where the right hand is going in a circular motion while the left hand is vertical, like holding a box) I only do that to remember specific memories! Whenever I do that, it's like a video saved into my memories. I never forget them. I just have to recall doing that, and I can remember. So it was the ultimate insult to me.

They didn't apologize to Aizat, their apology to me was totally insincere, but at least Faiz and Razon got good and proper apologies. Lucky guys. I think I'm done ranting, and now I'm going to just ramble on.

School was interesting today, for only one reason. My stomach wouldn't let me forget that I was supposed to be in pain. It got annoying after a while, especially when I lost my ability to stand a couple of times. Not to mention it started hurting while I was sitting down in class. I can't even sneeze, cough or yawn without pain. The coolest part was that no one noticed that I was in pain. Other than Amalina. She even criticized me for coming to school - I'm not really healthy enough to come to school but I insisted to my parents to let me come. Yeah, yeah, for now, I'm a nerd. I'm just going to study, then I'll watch TV, play games and be irresponsible nonstop!

Alright, I guess that's all I want to rant about. One last thing though. To Anis, Zulaikha, Maisarah and Sofea, what you did today was rude, belittling and mean. My nature is naturally forgiving, but I'm not going to be able to trust you girls. Ever.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

Was AWL. That's Absence With Leave.

"Cancer. That's the only word that can instill fear in the hearts of many."

No, I don't have cancer, though I wish I did. Nothing to do with me being sick of life (as my cousin thought), but that I had already kinda accepted that I might have cancer. It was a huge blow when it was only my appendix. It was giving me some unasked for trouble, the useless bum.

Yes, I was at the hospital. I recently (as in, last Saturday, and now it's Saturday) had a surgery. Oh, nothing major, just my appendix being taken out, as stated above. You know, the appendix is the most useless of all the "organs" (if it could be called an organ) in the human body. It does absolutely nothing, but if it gets swollen from an infection, a sickness, etc., it can kill you. And not quickly, either. It'll slowly and painfully take you out from the inside, like a natural poison, giving you a stabbing pain that just won't stop!

Plus, at the end of the surgery, it hurt like mad! Seriously, I never knew such pain. It hurt when I was still, it hurt while I was moving, it hurt all the freaking time! The painkillers didn't work either. When I asked for more of 'em, the nurse actually said that I was on too much, and that I might overdose. I wasn't sure whether to be scared, freaked out or in shock. So I just gave an incredulous look.

After one week, I can honestly say, it still freaking hurts! The painkillers I'm on barely numb the pain, and I really ought to find painkillers that actually work. The pain makes walking almost unbearable. I kinda have to slouch when I walk, and it hurts my back (I know you how old people feel now, and let me tell you: I totally respect you now!). My sister actually went and called me "Old Man". *Sigh*

It actually hurts while I'm typing this, and I have no idea how much longer I can stay like this before screaming in pain. Oh, my right arm hurts as well, since that was where the needle with the IV drip was put. Yep, it's going to be really interesting in school, trying to write again.

Wanna what makes all of this bearable and cool? My stitches! I got three holes, one on my right side, one on my left side and one directly above my bellybutton. The put a camera through my left side and used the right and middle areas to take the dumb useless thing out.

Another thing that I like about all this is that I actually like pain, believe it or not. I don't know why. So all this "screaming out in pain" stuff is really cool. I like holding pain in, seeing my limits, testing them again and again. Of course, I dramatize things to get what I want in this household. Shhh! Don't tell the family!

It's going to be really boring in school next week (yes, I got a whole week without school. Probably the most boring week of my life, to be honest). I won't be allowed to walk or run, or stand or do anything interesting or cool. I'm only allowed to sit down and stay put in my class seat until school is over. In fact, I'm not even supposed to be walking around the house. Which I'm doing a lot.

Speaking of school, I recently found out that there's this new girl named - you'll never believe it - (Eliza) Sofea. Just perfect, don't you agree? Apparently she even speaks and acts like the first Sofea. Speaking (or typing) of Sofea, I have to mention this. She's most probably a rebound but I'm interested in another girl, a Form 1 (13 year old). Yeah, either she's a rebound, or I actually like her. Probably the former, but hey, stranger things have happened.

I'm not going to go too detailed in here, since I don't know her that well, other than her name Emalai (obviously anagrammed), and that she's a 13 year old. 2 years younger than me. Yea, I can really see that one working out. If this is the real deal, I think I know why. She's the only girl - no, only person - that doesn't get repelled by the real me. That, and that she actually tries to communicate with me, unlike other people.

Oh, remind me to never be charged into the Selangor Medical Centre at Section 20 in Shah Alam ever again. The only shows that I liked while I was there were Nickelodeon and Discovery Channel. I think I have memorized every channel there is on Nickelodeon, especially the hated Yo Gabba Gabba commercial. The advertisements are stuck in my head! Make it stop, make it stop!!!!

Actually, I'm really supposed to be resting. It's 2:16 AM on Saturday, and I'm in front of the computer with the scars that will look like bullet wounds instead of surgical scars. Cool, eh? Well, I gues I really have to go to sleep. Plus, I'm sleepy. Night night~

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I was going to change my ending to, "For now and forever more", but I changed my mind. Night~!

A few secrets from PostSecret

"Aaah. Secrets. It's the one thing that, once shared, is gone. Everybody has a secret that could break your heart. Remember that, and the world is one step closer to being a better place."

These are three secrets from PostSecret that I truly connected with. The reason they aren't saved in my computer like the rest (actually, they are) is because of the words on 'em. At the website (which updates every Sunday), the words are typed beneath them. I put the pictures here, so that I can keep looking and remembering these secrets. It's a three part secret.

I. The Island of Capri is where I fell in love with Sarah. I was a photographer, but the only thing I have to remember that weekend are 3 postcards. I couldn't stand the thought of missing one moment with her looking through a lens.




II. This is where I fell in love with Sarah. Wherever she is now, whoever she is with I pray that she is happy. Loving her saved my life.




III. These were the moments of my life I loved her more than anything, but it was never meant to be. Through the anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts these moments reassured my life was worth living. I got better help because of her.

For the first time since I was a child I know what it is to be happy.

Yep. There you go. Saved in my blog for as long as this blog is here. Hope Frank doesn't get angry. It is, after all, technically his now.

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

True Lies

"Offing yourself is relatively easy. It's living with the consequences that's hard."

Hey.

Yeah, I'm still alive. No need to call Suicide Hotline! I'm fine. Really. Yes, I'm serious this time.

I guess I was just going through another rough patch. Depression is hard. How the heck do other depressed people stop from killing themselves?! Wait... I'm one of them. Heh, guess I kinda know the answer, since I'm still alive.

For the love of God, put down that phone! I don't need you to call my parents, okay? You'll just make things worse. It's not as if they actually care about my mental and emotional health. After all, they're the ones that laughed when I wanted to go to a therapist for my 3 lettered word disorder. I wonder how other parents would react? Would they actually bring their child to a therapist, or are they all the same?

Meh, it's not for me to know. I'm just a guy, not someone important.

Anyways, I've often been asked why I have a blog. Why? Because I have a lot to say and no one who listens. I'm not much of a writer. I tried keeping diaries, but they all kept failing. At least this way, I have someone to rant, vent, unleash or even cry to. I've been doing that a lot lately. Cry, I mean. Kinda hard not to, when you feel like no one cares. I'm not being emo. Just stating a fact. Unless you're depressed, you won't understand.

You know, I almost cried at school last week. Sure, go on. Laugh, call me a baby. A wimp. At least I'm man enough to show my emotions, unlike you so called "men". Before you ask, I almost cried because of my disorder. I suddenly had the compulsion to arrange everything properly, which kinda stopped me from having a normal conversation with my friend Razleen. That wasn't what made me almost cry though. No offense, Razleen, but I don't think I'll cry if I don't get to talk to you.

What almost did it was the fact that three of my classmates - people I thought friends - were tormenting me, moving the tables, chairs, bags on the tables and etc. It was making me insane! I wasn't sure whether to cry or to explode. I did a little of both, though not too loudly. I forgive them now, but if they do it again, I don't think I can. Unless you have what I have, you'd never understand. It's like a meat eater talking to a vegetarian about meat. The vegetarian would never understand, because he doesn't eat meat. Meh, something like that, anyways.

You know, I just realized this. If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't be here. My emotions would be all bottled up, I'd have no one to talk to and *poof*, bye bye Sharrif, the guy that jumped off a building. Yeah, if I was gonna kill myself, I'd do that. Much quicker than cutting. Plus, it's more likely to succeed. Haha, I'm telling you guys how I'd off myself. That is so lame! *Starts giggling a bit*

Yep, this blog is my lifeline. *Pats computer adoringly* I don't know what I'd do without it. I think it's even the reason I'm still alive right now. Mark, Tom and Farah have completely deserted me. I haven't seen them in a bit over a week now, and only now have I realized how much I need them. What's funny is that more people are treating me nicer ever since I wrote that post. Kinda odd, don't cha think? They can't care, because I learned a few life lessons the hard way. These include:

i Nice guys finish last.
ii You can't trust anyone but yourself.
iii People say one thing but mean another.
iv Talk is cheap, but even actions lie.

Of course, there's more, but that's all right for now.

Wanna hear some cool stuff? Yes? No? Either way, since you got this far, you won't mind reading more. I can solve a Rubik's Cube! Woo hoo! Call me a dork, call me a geek, nerd, call me whatever you want, but I don't care! I can solve it and you can't! Haha, it feels so awesome actually being able to do it. Your words won't hurt me, because it's mind over matter. I don't mind 'cause you don't matter.

God! My parents are driving me up the wall! They say that they love me, but all they do is nag! Sure, a little nagging is fine. Annoying, but fine. Nagging a lot about important things is okay as well. But about trivial things? Man, that just makes me angry. They even nag when I did something they told me to. Like, my Mum told me to practice the piano, so I did. After I was done, she scolded me for practicing the piano, because there were guests. What the heck!? She told me to practice then, so I did! Don't get me started on my Dad!

If he calls me, and I answer very politely, "Yes, Dad?", he'll go ballistic and call me rude and impolite! I'd understand if I was doing that, but my sisters saw what happened and they even said to him, "What did he do? He wasn't being rude." Needless to say, they got into trouble as well.

Then, when they don't get their way even when they take away everything (I can really survive without entertainment if I want/have to), they start playing the bribery game. They'll go, "If you be good, you can watch TV again.", or, "If you don't be rude, I'll let you touch the computer."

Of course, I don't participate. Bribery is bad, people! They always give in. I'm too stubborn. Yeah, it's a bad thing, but I copied both my parents in this trait.

But I hate that I'm being like my Dad. From his lateness to his bad temper. Whenever I say something, I end up pausing. The reason is 'cause I realize that I'm sounding more and more like my Dad. It's shocking, but there's nothing I can do about it, is there?

Oops, I'm just asking for trouble now! It's 2:07 AM, and I think I'd better sleep! Night, y'all!

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~

P.S. I don't care if my parents read this. At least they'll get an awakening.

Feelings unleashed, another side of me is shown

"When I reassure you that I'm fine, don't believe me. I just don't want you to be burdened by my problems. The smile you see me give you is a lie. I am not fine!"

It's either the exams, her or my OCD, but I'm feeling totally depressed. Nothing I do is right, for the first time I'm beating myself up for every small mistake I'm doing, I'm turning into a pessimist and I'm even having suicidal thoughts. If it wasn't for a few of the people that care (namely Mark, Tom, Farah, Ming Yi, Razleen and Marinah) I'd be acting on them. It's pathetic that three of them are imaginary. At least my daily therapeutic dose of crying helps me somewhat. Okay, maybe not daily, but still, every few days.

My emotional state of mind is all messed up. I feel like slugging my best friend and helping people that hurt me. This blog might end up becoming an emo blog, so if that happens, I'm so very sorry. I never wanted it to be that way. If it's one thing I never ever want to be called, it's "emo". My niceness is because I want to give what I never got. Unconditional love. My parents only want me to get good grades so that they have bragging rights. They only want me to get a good job so that I can give them more cash.

Depression is getting much much worse these days. I could blame my exams, because I'm pretty sure I failed everything except Math, Science and English. Ironic, the only subjects that I didn't study for are the ones I'm pretty sure I'll pass. Yet another oxymoron of my pitiful and miserable life. I guess the best oxymoron for me would have to be "Happy Depression". Yeah, that would probably be the best one of all. Or maybe "Depressed Happiness". Yeah, that'll do as well.

OCD is acting up even worse. I'm forcing my sisters to hit me evenly when they playfully hit them. I'm making messes just so that I can clean them up. When I go near the refridgerators in my house I'm opening them up all the time, to check if there's food in it. The depression that comes with OCD is becoming even worse. I can't even be around people. I'll still feel depressed. It used to be so simple, to control this. Depression was usually when I was alone, and I didn't make messes just so I could clean them. I didn't force my sisters do hit me evenly, because I often got them to do it later. I can usually last a few hours. Not anymore.

Suicidal thoughts are a regular occurrence now. I'm fighting against them, but I fear it's a losing battle. My only barriers against them are only Mark and Tom, but they're imaginary, so I don't know how long until time's run out. Everyone just sympathizes, but none really care. I might not be here long, and I hope God forgives me for whatever I may do to myself in the next few hours, days, weeks, months and years. If I die before my next post is published, read "Perceptions Of Stuff and Whatnot". It's on my links. I've already told her to do this. If I don't do a new post after a month, you should then go to it.

It doesn't help that she's treating me like garbage. It doesn't matter if that's only what it seems like or if it's just me interpreting it wrong. It's not as if it'll help. Pathetic of me, not being able to swear, even in this kind of state. Noble, pathetic... It's still the same difference. I'm in love with her (yes, I'm breaking my earlier promise to not talk about her anymore), and the more she treats me like this the more I love her. The more I try to hate her the more I fall deeper in love. No matter what I say or do to her, no matter what she does to me, I'll still forget my self worth and keep on loving her. My heart and head say I deserve better, but my soul disagrees. She's probably the best there is for me, since we have so much in common, and that's what hurts even more. The one that's most likely my soulmate is the one that makes me feel like a carcass on the road side, hit by a car. Feeling like an invisible bug that's about to be squashed. In other words, pure torture coupled with total helplessness.

Friends are nonexistant nowadays. Even my neighbour is no longer close with me. The closest thing I have to a friend are my imaginary friends. Once again, they are mentioned. I listen to everyone's problems, I'm always the "rock" they need to bring them down to the ground. The one to reassure them that everything is fine. But who is there to listen to me? None take the time to actually sit down and just listen. They always attempt to give solutions. This is the reason why I don't talk about myself. You see me smiling on the outside, but I am actually dying on the inside. I need someone to be my "Satellite Sibling" for my problems, someone I can talk to and trust no matter what. Someone who'll just listen to my problems no matter how bad they have it themselves. Someone who won't sympathize, someone who won't advice. Someone who listens.

Inspiration is finally gone. No more poems can be written. All my dreams are semi-lucid, just like reality. I know that it's bad, but I can't do anything to change it. The smile you see plastered on my face is fake for a reason. I have nothing to smile about. You see me laughing because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay, that everything is fine. But I know deep down that's it's not. It's not even that deep. I am driven by this desire to fit in, to be accepted, to be cared about. I always fail at this, because I have no idea how to do it.

If only life came with an instruction manual, because I'm sure I'm doing it all wrong. So what else is new? I do that all the time. Something wrong, that is. I've tried drugs before. The high was amazing, but the headaches hurt too much. But now, will all of these problems, I feel like taking my inhaler and getting high once again. Not much of a solution, but it'll do. At least this way I have a few minutes of bliss, of detachment from my troubles and society. I'm fighting a losing battle with myself to stop from doing bad things.

I'm sick of being the nice guy, where I'm always being used, taken for granted. I can't tell my friends from opportunists. Once again, I'm being hypocritical, also using and manipulating others. But that's how I live, and I don't know what else to do. No one wants to help, and whenever I hint or say that I need help, I am suddenly alone. Alone, by myself, with no one to turn to, no one to trust. I want to be the jerk, but I just don't have the heart to do it, to be one. My mouth says one thing, my actions another.

My so called friends have left me, and I'm in the desert of depression, all by myself with no water of hope nor do I have protection from the burning heat of the Sun of pessimism. My friends who have the shade of optimism have all left to the city of happiness, and the airport of safety is nowhere in sight. Because of this, I keep seeing fake hope mirages thinking I can get a free lift to the town of salvation, but no, once again my hopes are dashed. The vultures of suicide are hovering above me, waiting for me to mess up and embrace them.

Needed metaphors to cope with my problems, but making unwanted problems for people trying to help. Praying works a bit. Whenever I'm in prayer, I feel refreshed, happy and the space in my stomach where the depression is disappears. But as soon as I'm done praying I'm back to square one, feeling depressed all over again.

Funny things are hard to laugh at, and I'm now laughing at the things that aren't funny. Examples of this are when I laugh at death. When I laugh at destruction. Misery isn't spared. I'm probably a sadist that loves misery. Maybe that's why my life is all messed up. Things are no longer cool, I find the people that I love and care about (friends, family, etc.) are now boring, people not worth fighting for.

One of the ways that I wish I died was in combat, but I keep seeing myself killed by being hit by a car. Maybe that way it wouldn't hurt so much that way. I keep thinking on whether I'd go to Heaven or Hell when I die. I keep thinking about wanting to go to Heaven but wondering how Hell would be like.

The only good thing from this depression is that I'm thinking more about life, being even more philosophical. Trying to solve life's problems, thinking that I have what it takes to do it. I know that I don't, but the tiny hope that I can do it keeps me going. That's the only thing. Yes, I know that I'm selfish, because when I die everyone that really cares about me will lose a bit of them inside, but I don't care. It's how I feel. Does this qualify as a call for help? I neither know nor do I care. All I know is that Death is calling me, closer and closer it's voice is everyday. One day it will be here and I won't have time to repent, I won't have time to do all the good things I wanted to. The time of "What if's" and regrets will happen, on my last seconds of life. I wonder what my last thoughts would be on my last few seconds. I fear and feel grateful happy that I might not live past my 20's. I don't care about age. I want to go to Heaven as soon as possible. Heck, I might end up being a martyr.

Every day I am presented with a new problem, and solutions never appear. No matter how trivial or how huge, I don't think I can carry the weight of all of these problems. Little by little, these small problems end up becoming huge and unbearable to lift, let alone carry. I hope with what little hope I have left that I never live that long, or that maybe I get solutions to my problems.

I love going to school, not because I love studying. Maybe I do like it, but I go to school to be around people I can talk to. I might not be able to get less problems, or more solutions, but at home I can't talk to anyone. My parents? They just criticize my every move and actions. They tell me to become an adult, to become a man, but they treat me like a child. My sisters don't listen, they talk. They can't understand what I'm going through. My brother? He's too young. I don't want to stress him out at a young age. If I had to choose one person in my family that I love, it would be my brother. One of the reasons why I'm still alive is because I don't think he'd be okay if I died. But once he's independent, then it'd be one less thing that's holding me back from taking life-threatening risks.

Music, the one thing I normally go to to be "healed" is now worth nothing. It justs fill up this empty void of emptiness. Music no longer inspires me, nor does it help me with life. From Sum 41, my favourite band, to dumb singers like Hannah Montana to legends like Busted and to underrated bands like Fountains Of Wayne, I no longer feel content from music. I sing the music to feel like there's someone with me. I feel alone otherwise. It's not like my imaginary friends are there all the time. Then again, they're appearing more and more often. Signs things are going bad in my life?

I keep telling myself to be strong, to keep fighting. But for what? For myself? It's not as if I will be missed much if I was gone. Sure, people will grieve that I was gone. But a few months, maybe a couple of years, I will just be a distant memory to my loved ones. I don't even think my family will still think of me that often. When my paternal (and favourite) grandfather died, my aunts and uncles, and my dad, cried for a few months. Then, everything went back to normal. It was as if he had died for years. I'm expendable, someone that, when gone, won't really be missed.

My mouth says that I trust no one, but my actions keep making me trust everyone, even those that backstabbed and hurt me. Why can't I learn from my mistakes? What am I doing that's so wrong in my life that's making me deserve this? I can't have done something so bad until nothing goes right in life? Nothing may be the wrong word, but still. Very few things goes right. Heck, I can't even get girls to like me "in that way". Trivial, but still important to a guy. Whenever I see my schoolmates, all the jerks, the losers, the, the... The ones that are usually the opposite of good can get a girl "just like that". What does it take? Trivial, but I still stress a lot on this.

I don't care what you think of me when you read this post. I don't mind, because you don't matter. This blog was made specifically for me to put everything on my mind out. Be it sad and emotional, happy go lucky or even sadistic. As long as it's true and from me, it'll be written here.

Food no longer has taste. It all feels the same in my mouth. When I take a bite into it, be it a cookie, chocolate, rice, sandwiches. It doesn't matter what it's made from, what flavour it should have. Bland and tasteless. That's what it all taste like. I guess this is also added to my cause of depression.

In the end, it's not one huge thing that's causing this. It's many many small things, trivial things. They all add up to this one huge massive ball of depression. I guess I'm really emotional right now, because things keep going badly nowadays. Hopefully things will become better, soon. I really hope soon. God, things are being so emo. I keep saying to myself, "phase phase phase, please let it be a phase!".

On a brighter note, I'm listening to some nice music from Fountains Of Wayne. Sense of happiness is coming slowly. Baby steps, people. Wow, I never knew I could ever write so much for one post. This is amazing. Now if only I could type as much about non emotional stuff.

If I'm still here,

Till next time,

~Josh the Joshster~