30 Day Challenge: Day 2

"A little bit of fear is healthy. A lot is fatal."

Just finished typing it all up, and hey, it's almost midnight! At least I got this done in time, with... 6 minutes to spare.

Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Fear #1: My Fear Of Heights

I have an odd relationship with my fear of heights. On the one hand, I absolutely love roller coasters, and I have these urges to try skydiving and bungee jumping. On the other hand, I can barely climb on top of a ladder without feeling the need to piss my pants, and just being on a swing is a terrifying experience, when I'm at the top of the arc.

I don't even know when or why this fear manifested itself. All I know is that within a certain range of heights, I can not look down, or I will come close to pissing myself in fear.

Fear #2: My Fear Of Not Being Heard

I suppose this is because I've always been a timid person. Quiet voice, lack of interesting things to say... It's part of why I love my online persona; everyone has an equal chance of being heard, of having their thoughts listened to, and thought about. In meatspace, that doesn't really work out well for me.

Fear #3: My Fear Of Rejection

This is more complicated than it sounds. I don't just mean being rejected by a girl, like if I was to ask a girl out. I mean all kinds of rejection; I almost did not apply to any university because I was too scared of being rejected by any of them, that whatever I did, no matter what I wrote in my application... none of those would be good enough. That I wouldn't be good enough.

This has a more explainable reason. At least, if my theory has any basis to it. Throughout high school, I attempted to ask girls out; or, to be more precise, I would confess to them that I had feelings for them. They weren't put on the spot to go out with me, or anything. I just thought it would be a nice gesture to tell them: They would feel better about themselves (you know, the fact that someone likes them) and I get the burden of keeping it secret off my chest.

Of course, not a single one of them ever reacted well to it. At best, I got ignored, and at worst, I had this girl - who was a really sweet person, and invariably agreed to be the nicest and most innocent girl you would meet - literally swear at me, and tell me to leave her alone. All I did was send her a text saying, "Hey, how are you?" (at least, something to that effect) and I was barely doing it once every three days, let alone everyday.

It also doesn't help that I didn't really have any friends then. To be more precise, I didn't have friends who would include me in anything, excepting times when they had to. Like, I would be there when they were planning a study group, and then accidentally forget to invite me. Every time, too. Plus, I also end up hearing about other gatherings and the like that happened after they happened.

So it comes to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. I don't call people to hang out, I don't really put an effort into keeping up with friends, I don't even really add people on FaceBook. I'm just crippled by this fear of rejection, of not being wanted by anything or anyone.

Salut,
~J