"Tick tock goes the clock."
It's just... it's hard to believe that she hasn't moved on, when I see her slowly slipping away from me. When that's all I've been seeing for the past few months. When nothing I do gets a reaction that isn't immediately (or almost immediately) followed by a mention of him. When even when I'm lying next to her as she sleeps, the moment she wakes up, the first thing she seems to even want to look at is his face. When I'm a footnote in her world, and all she wanted was an excuse for me to go.
Of course, I could be wrong. But it's just how it looks like to me. I'm not putting any blame. I'm not angry, nor bitter, or anything like that. I was a few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago. I've accepted it.
I'm not expecting anything. Not really.
I'm scrapping the projects. No good will come out of them, it was stupid of me to think of it in the first place.
(I know you need this. I hope you find happiness, even though I know it won't be with me. No, don't argue. Please. Let's be honest. All I do is cause you pain and misery and depression, with little pockets of happiness; you really would be better off away from me.
I'm sorry I'm still doing that to you.)
It's 3:40 AM. I just packed and did my laundry. I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm going to try again, and we'll see what happens.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
One Step Forward, A Dozen Steps Back
"I've given up, take what's mine; it's just too late to turn back time."
My stomach hurts and there's a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth, at the back of my throat. Most of my projects aren't even done yet.
I'm not even sure why I have them planned. I guess a tiny, stupid part of me is still clinging to the piece in the Ytterbium Chamber. Might as well go all out for one last try, right? Besides, I can still play it off as being just a friend.
Haven't packed, or even done my laundry, either. C'est la vie.
Lost All Hope is a great website. It gives me options and tries to help me. At the least, I've come up with flimsy excuses to go on.
The best one I have right now is, if I see just one picture on Post Secret that I'd like to save, then I have until the next one.
And if there ever is a week...
Well, I have a guy I'm helping out on a FaceBook game. As long as I'm needed, even flimsily, well, might as well stay.
Trying not to step out the door can be pretty hard. Oh well. Only person who'll help you is yourself, and all that.
Salut,
~J
My stomach hurts and there's a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth, at the back of my throat. Most of my projects aren't even done yet.
I'm not even sure why I have them planned. I guess a tiny, stupid part of me is still clinging to the piece in the Ytterbium Chamber. Might as well go all out for one last try, right? Besides, I can still play it off as being just a friend.
Haven't packed, or even done my laundry, either. C'est la vie.
Lost All Hope is a great website. It gives me options and tries to help me. At the least, I've come up with flimsy excuses to go on.
The best one I have right now is, if I see just one picture on Post Secret that I'd like to save, then I have until the next one.
And if there ever is a week...
Well, I have a guy I'm helping out on a FaceBook game. As long as I'm needed, even flimsily, well, might as well stay.
Trying not to step out the door can be pretty hard. Oh well. Only person who'll help you is yourself, and all that.
Salut,
~J
Monday, 16 December 2013
Tired.
"Am I talking to a wall? Am I talking to myself? I'm looking in this mirror, and all I see's a mess."
I'm tired of asking for help.
I'm tired of begging for people to help me, for people to give me aid, because I know that they don't really want to help. Not really. I'm just a nuisance in their lives; I always have been.
I guess... I guess this is my last cry for help. My last try at hoping that there are people who do care about me. People who'll keep checking up on me, making the first attempts at starting conversations.
People who actually give a shit about me still being here, besides a one-off speech about how every life is special, about how I mean so much to them, about how many people I'd hurt...
Yeah. Right.
The same people who never contacted me before, and then doesn't contact me after their little speech is over? The same people who never gave a rat's ass about my well-being, until I forced my problems onto them?
Sure.
I'm making excuses to go on.
After the Winter Break trip. (Because I'm one of the two people responsible for renting the car)
After he's come here and left. (Because I'm fairly sure he's bought the tickets already, so he'd have just wasted money, if I'm not here)
After she has people she can talk to, people she can squeal and fangirl with, people she can gush her love and adoration of him to. (Because she's so close over the edge, and this is among the last things that's keeping her here)
These excuses are all I have left.
And they're running out.
Salut,
~J
I'm tired of asking for help.
I'm tired of begging for people to help me, for people to give me aid, because I know that they don't really want to help. Not really. I'm just a nuisance in their lives; I always have been.
I guess... I guess this is my last cry for help. My last try at hoping that there are people who do care about me. People who'll keep checking up on me, making the first attempts at starting conversations.
People who actually give a shit about me still being here, besides a one-off speech about how every life is special, about how I mean so much to them, about how many people I'd hurt...
Yeah. Right.
The same people who never contacted me before, and then doesn't contact me after their little speech is over? The same people who never gave a rat's ass about my well-being, until I forced my problems onto them?
Sure.
I'm making excuses to go on.
After the Winter Break trip. (Because I'm one of the two people responsible for renting the car)
After he's come here and left. (Because I'm fairly sure he's bought the tickets already, so he'd have just wasted money, if I'm not here)
After she has people she can talk to, people she can squeal and fangirl with, people she can gush her love and adoration of him to. (Because she's so close over the edge, and this is among the last things that's keeping her here)
These excuses are all I have left.
And they're running out.
Salut,
~J
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Toxic gases on a lonely night
"Breathe it in. Breathe it all in."
I'm pissing away my weekend. I have finals next week, and I'm just lying in bed, getting up to piss, and... that's pretty much it.
I'm on Twitter again, but on a new account. Hopefully no one will find it. If they do, well, I'll just have to make a new one again.
Self-control broke halfway last night. Oh well. Things happen.
In the middle of manipulating events so that I can finally go. Hoping for being able to drink up a month from now. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, though. She deserves that much.
Tu me manques.
Je t'aime, et je suis désolé.
Salut,
~J
I'm pissing away my weekend. I have finals next week, and I'm just lying in bed, getting up to piss, and... that's pretty much it.
I'm on Twitter again, but on a new account. Hopefully no one will find it. If they do, well, I'll just have to make a new one again.
Self-control broke halfway last night. Oh well. Things happen.
In the middle of manipulating events so that I can finally go. Hoping for being able to drink up a month from now. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, though. She deserves that much.
Tu me manques.
Je t'aime, et je suis désolé.
Salut,
~J
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
It ends
"Why? Why does it have to?"
Not going to the rest of the 30 Day Challenge. Fuck it. Fuck everything.
And if you're reading this, mother, fuck you.
I fucking hate you.
This is going to be my last post for a long while. I'm so high right now. I miss the bitter taste of the gas on my tongue.
Salut,
~J
Not going to the rest of the 30 Day Challenge. Fuck it. Fuck everything.
And if you're reading this, mother, fuck you.
I fucking hate you.
This is going to be my last post for a long while. I'm so high right now. I miss the bitter taste of the gas on my tongue.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 21 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 12
"Repeat, repeat, repeat."
Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.
It's pretty much the same thing, everyday. Not really going to go in depth, because there's no point. You'll see what I mean.
Wake up, usually late.
Rush to get ready (sometimes shower) and then get to class.
Usually will get to class late.
Drudge through classes.
Get back home, or go to work.
If at work, do work, putting my well-worn mask on, then go home.
If at home, spend time online.
Night arrives, do homework.
Sleep (maybe). Depends on the night, and if I want to entertain the dreams.
Rinse and repeat.
Salut,
~J
Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.
It's pretty much the same thing, everyday. Not really going to go in depth, because there's no point. You'll see what I mean.
Wake up, usually late.
Rush to get ready (sometimes shower) and then get to class.
Usually will get to class late.
Drudge through classes.
Get back home, or go to work.
If at work, do work, putting my well-worn mask on, then go home.
If at home, spend time online.
Night arrives, do homework.
Sleep (maybe). Depends on the night, and if I want to entertain the dreams.
Rinse and repeat.
Salut,
~J
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 11
"Get that bloody thing away from me."
I have a paper due tomorrow, but I'm doing this now, because it's already 11 PM.
Day 11: Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
1. People who think having OCD is cool, or hip, or that "everyone has it". No. They don't. Go to hell, asshole. It's a damn disease, and it's torture living with it.
2. When people talk about random stuff during a class. Look, I get it, you guys want to converse with each other, but don't you think that other people in the class want to actually be able to hear what the professor is saying? I don't have a problem with people talking in class if it's class related, though. Like, "Can I take a look at your notes?", "What page are we one?" or whatever.
3. When people act all high and mighty. "Oh, I don't judge." is a common phrase I'm so annoyed with. Yes. You judge. Everyone judges people. Everyone has an opinion about someone else. Sure, if you can keep it from influencing how you treat the person you're judging (well, as much as possible) then that's great. Just stop pretending that you're able to not judge someone.
4. When a book is mistreated. I hate (well, strongly dislike) seeing books with dog ears, markings in them, and other kind of defacement. I know it's not technically "mistreatment" of the books, but it still gets me so annoyed when I see it being done.
5. People who are clingy. They send a message every hour or so, they seem to want a conversation every moment of every day... Okay, this is an exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Ugh, just give me some space. Are you that starved for attention?
6. People who can't decide what they want to order, but only suddenly decide to make a decision when they're at the front of the line. You know how inconvenient and annoying that is? You know the type. They're texting, talking on the phone, laughing with friends, or something similar, and all while they're in line.
7. When people think they know me. No. You don't. I don't really open up to other people. My innermost secrets are all in my head, and only one other person has ever seen that side of me. Even then, she ignores what she knows half the time, so I suppose it doesn't really count. Eh.
8. People who refuse to learn reading comprehension and just misunderstands whatever I'm (or someone else) is arguing with them. It's just so damn irritating.
9. People who think they're better than others.
10. When people just don't tell me when I ask what's going on. "Oh, it's nothing." Well it sure wasn't nothing a second ago.
This was fun.
Salut,
~J
P.S. These are amazing. Enjoy!
http://laughterburst.com/gag/50-life-hacks-you-need-to-know/
I have a paper due tomorrow, but I'm doing this now, because it's already 11 PM.
Day 11: Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
1. People who think having OCD is cool, or hip, or that "everyone has it". No. They don't. Go to hell, asshole. It's a damn disease, and it's torture living with it.
2. When people talk about random stuff during a class. Look, I get it, you guys want to converse with each other, but don't you think that other people in the class want to actually be able to hear what the professor is saying? I don't have a problem with people talking in class if it's class related, though. Like, "Can I take a look at your notes?", "What page are we one?" or whatever.
3. When people act all high and mighty. "Oh, I don't judge." is a common phrase I'm so annoyed with. Yes. You judge. Everyone judges people. Everyone has an opinion about someone else. Sure, if you can keep it from influencing how you treat the person you're judging (well, as much as possible) then that's great. Just stop pretending that you're able to not judge someone.
4. When a book is mistreated. I hate (well, strongly dislike) seeing books with dog ears, markings in them, and other kind of defacement. I know it's not technically "mistreatment" of the books, but it still gets me so annoyed when I see it being done.
5. People who are clingy. They send a message every hour or so, they seem to want a conversation every moment of every day... Okay, this is an exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Ugh, just give me some space. Are you that starved for attention?
6. People who can't decide what they want to order, but only suddenly decide to make a decision when they're at the front of the line. You know how inconvenient and annoying that is? You know the type. They're texting, talking on the phone, laughing with friends, or something similar, and all while they're in line.
7. When people think they know me. No. You don't. I don't really open up to other people. My innermost secrets are all in my head, and only one other person has ever seen that side of me. Even then, she ignores what she knows half the time, so I suppose it doesn't really count. Eh.
8. People who refuse to learn reading comprehension and just misunderstands whatever I'm (or someone else) is arguing with them. It's just so damn irritating.
9. People who think they're better than others.
10. When people just don't tell me when I ask what's going on. "Oh, it's nothing." Well it sure wasn't nothing a second ago.
This was fun.
Salut,
~J
P.S. These are amazing. Enjoy!
http://laughterburst.com/gag/50-life-hacks-you-need-to-know/
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 10
"Some things are hard to forget."
Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
Oh wow. This is a tough one. I have so many to choose from.
I guess I'll just describe the one I remember most. Here goes.
I was in class. It was a linguistics class. The time was around 1:25 PM, and the class ends around 1:45 PM. I was sitting near the front row of this lecture, and I was feeling sleepy (I sometimes need a nap around that time period). Anyway, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the class was empty. I looked around, thinking, "Wait, what time is it?" I checked my watch, and saw it was 2:50 PM. "Holy crap! I slept for over an hour!" Turns out, it was only 1:50 PM, and my watch was wrong. Whoops.
Not as embarrassing as most stories, but hey, I have a bad memory.
Salut,
~J
Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
Oh wow. This is a tough one. I have so many to choose from.
I guess I'll just describe the one I remember most. Here goes.
I was in class. It was a linguistics class. The time was around 1:25 PM, and the class ends around 1:45 PM. I was sitting near the front row of this lecture, and I was feeling sleepy (I sometimes need a nap around that time period). Anyway, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the class was empty. I looked around, thinking, "Wait, what time is it?" I checked my watch, and saw it was 2:50 PM. "Holy crap! I slept for over an hour!" Turns out, it was only 1:50 PM, and my watch was wrong. Whoops.
Not as embarrassing as most stories, but hey, I have a bad memory.
Salut,
~J
Monday, 18 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 9
"You'll always be remembered. I promise."
I wish I got that kind reaction from you.
Day 9: List 10 people who have influenced you, and how.
From least to most important:
1. My orthodontist, Dr. Sarah. She's the person who directed me on to the path of my major right now.
2. Andrew MacMohan. His songs stopped me from going over the edge, from doing things I would have suffered consequences from.
3. My best friend, Shane. He reminded me, every now and then, that I have a friend.
4. The people I went to school with. They taught me that people will exclude you, and I grew more detached and isolated because of that experience.
5. My cousin, because he helped me have someone to talk to.
6. My parents, because they gave me the hard lesson that very few people will want to believe what you say.
7. Robert Jordan, who got me interested in the fantasy genre, and a role model (of sorts) in Mat Cauthon.
8. Frank Warren. His PostSecret project helped keep demons in check.
9. Him, for giving me an idea of how someone should be like if they want to get the girl of their dreams.
10. Her, for teaching me how to feel.
Salut,
~J
I wish I got that kind reaction from you.
Day 9: List 10 people who have influenced you, and how.
From least to most important:
1. My orthodontist, Dr. Sarah. She's the person who directed me on to the path of my major right now.
2. Andrew MacMohan. His songs stopped me from going over the edge, from doing things I would have suffered consequences from.
3. My best friend, Shane. He reminded me, every now and then, that I have a friend.
4. The people I went to school with. They taught me that people will exclude you, and I grew more detached and isolated because of that experience.
5. My cousin, because he helped me have someone to talk to.
6. My parents, because they gave me the hard lesson that very few people will want to believe what you say.
7. Robert Jordan, who got me interested in the fantasy genre, and a role model (of sorts) in Mat Cauthon.
8. Frank Warren. His PostSecret project helped keep demons in check.
9. Him, for giving me an idea of how someone should be like if they want to get the girl of their dreams.
10. Her, for teaching me how to feel.
Salut,
~J
Sunday, 17 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 8
"It's what drives you, that fire in your veins."
You know... I really thought it was directed to me. And that it was going to negate what you wrote earlier. I guess I was wrong, as usual.
But I digress.
Day 8: What are 5 passions you have?
... Wow.
I just realized how I don't really have any passion for anything. This wasn't like back when I was in high school, and I tried defining myself with things like chess and maths; now, I don't really care anymore. I don't really have any care about fitting in, or being a part of something. I suppose I've given up on ever achieving that. I'll try and make stuff up, though.
Passion #1: Video games.
Closest thing I have for a passion. On the one hand, I grew up playing video games, and I love it. I love the story, the immersion, the interactivity of games, of being lost as I take part in another world, a world where I'm important, where I do things that affect other people.
Of course, I don't have multiple systems, nor do I play often, so I'm not sure whether it really does count as a passion.
Passion #2: Reading.
I love being immersed in a story. It helps remove me from the world I'm in now.
Passion #3: Languages.
Well, I guess I love languages. I mean, I want to learn them. I just don't put in the effort needed.
Passion #4: Reading depressing pictures and PostSecrets.
I mean, honestly, look at these!:
Passion #5: Music.
It dulls everything, sometimes.
Salut,
~J
You know... I really thought it was directed to me. And that it was going to negate what you wrote earlier. I guess I was wrong, as usual.
But I digress.
Day 8: What are 5 passions you have?
... Wow.
I just realized how I don't really have any passion for anything. This wasn't like back when I was in high school, and I tried defining myself with things like chess and maths; now, I don't really care anymore. I don't really have any care about fitting in, or being a part of something. I suppose I've given up on ever achieving that. I'll try and make stuff up, though.
Passion #1: Video games.
Closest thing I have for a passion. On the one hand, I grew up playing video games, and I love it. I love the story, the immersion, the interactivity of games, of being lost as I take part in another world, a world where I'm important, where I do things that affect other people.
Of course, I don't have multiple systems, nor do I play often, so I'm not sure whether it really does count as a passion.
Passion #2: Reading.
I love being immersed in a story. It helps remove me from the world I'm in now.
Passion #3: Languages.
Well, I guess I love languages. I mean, I want to learn them. I just don't put in the effort needed.
Passion #4: Reading depressing pictures and PostSecrets.
I mean, honestly, look at these!:
Passion #5: Music.
It dulls everything, sometimes.
Salut,
~J
Saturday, 16 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 7
"Abstract thinkings in a different world."
Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?
As nerdy as this sounds, a job in statistics. I love how the numbers go together, how it's so intuitive and how everything is connected. It's amazing, and I'd love to be immersed in it.
Of course, I also wouldn't mind a job involving languages. Like say, being a translator. I love languages, and the ties it has to culture. Not to mention the lovely feeling I get when I understand what someone is saying. It's a thrill.
Salut,
~J
Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?
As nerdy as this sounds, a job in statistics. I love how the numbers go together, how it's so intuitive and how everything is connected. It's amazing, and I'd love to be immersed in it.
Of course, I also wouldn't mind a job involving languages. Like say, being a translator. I love languages, and the ties it has to culture. Not to mention the lovely feeling I get when I understand what someone is saying. It's a thrill.
Salut,
~J
Friday, 15 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 6
"Not every experience is for the better. The other side's grass is not always greener."
Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Heh. This is a dirty joke just begging to be made.
Anyway.
This is pretty difficult to answer. I can't decide between my move when I was 10, my string of rejections, or my current disposition.
How about I go with all three?
All three were the hardest things I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing, and they each shaped (or are shaping me) in ways that were not necessarily better.
Salut,
~J
Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Heh. This is a dirty joke just begging to be made.
Anyway.
This is pretty difficult to answer. I can't decide between my move when I was 10, my string of rejections, or my current disposition.
How about I go with all three?
All three were the hardest things I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing, and they each shaped (or are shaping me) in ways that were not necessarily better.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 14 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 5
"Fleeting, these moments, and lost to time, as all things are."
I have to say, this was a hard one.
Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. Anticipation of playing video games. Sure, I'm not actually under any ability to play anything right now, but the very anticipation of these games that I can play is definitely something that helps push me along.
2. Spotify. With so many music on, it's so good at soothing me. I can't imagine how I'd plug on without Jack's Mannequin, Barenaked Ladies and Sum 41 blasting in my ear.
3. My books. The stuff I get to read while I'm waiting, things that stop me from thinking.
4. Time at where I work. Continuously being around people, and my stupid compulsion to just speak, helps keeps thoughts at bay. For the most part.
5. The rare times I get to eat actual food. Bliss.
Salut,
~J
I have to say, this was a hard one.
Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. Anticipation of playing video games. Sure, I'm not actually under any ability to play anything right now, but the very anticipation of these games that I can play is definitely something that helps push me along.
2. Spotify. With so many music on, it's so good at soothing me. I can't imagine how I'd plug on without Jack's Mannequin, Barenaked Ladies and Sum 41 blasting in my ear.
3. My books. The stuff I get to read while I'm waiting, things that stop me from thinking.
4. Time at where I work. Continuously being around people, and my stupid compulsion to just speak, helps keeps thoughts at bay. For the most part.
5. The rare times I get to eat actual food. Bliss.
Salut,
~J
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 4
"One day, somehow, I'll turn back the clock and make things better."
So. I just realized that my blog was in the wrong timezone, and that pretty much all of my posts weren't in the right time. Oh well. Eso si que es.
Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
1. Stop talking to girls. Yes, I know that they're the only group of people you feel any kind of comfort talking with, but you'll end up becoming flirty, and then you start sending out wrong signals girls you're not interested in, which ends up with girls you weren't even interested in rejecting you.
2. Stop. Just stop. Stop being romantic, stop being sweet. Stop thinking that the girls you're into want a guy that's sweet and romantic. They don't, at least not yet, and you don't want to know how badly things end up for you.
3. People will hurt you. No, worse than what's already happened. Remember that, and steel yourself for what's ahead.
4. You will screw up. Just remember that it's part of learning.
5. Here's a heads up: People will leave.
6. Stop saying hi to people you see in school. None of them will remember you out of school, except in passing, and none of them will ever invite you out.
7. Stop reminding people when your birthday is near, and stop inviting people to your birthday parties. It's not worth it.
8. If you ever hear that someone likes you, ignore it, or ask her out. Do not obsess over it.
9. You were right. It really is better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.
10. You will feel. You will even feel happiness. It may not last, and you'll feel pain when it ends, but cherish it while it lasts.
Salut,
~J
So. I just realized that my blog was in the wrong timezone, and that pretty much all of my posts weren't in the right time. Oh well. Eso si que es.
Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
1. Stop talking to girls. Yes, I know that they're the only group of people you feel any kind of comfort talking with, but you'll end up becoming flirty, and then you start sending out wrong signals girls you're not interested in, which ends up with girls you weren't even interested in rejecting you.
2. Stop. Just stop. Stop being romantic, stop being sweet. Stop thinking that the girls you're into want a guy that's sweet and romantic. They don't, at least not yet, and you don't want to know how badly things end up for you.
3. People will hurt you. No, worse than what's already happened. Remember that, and steel yourself for what's ahead.
4. You will screw up. Just remember that it's part of learning.
5. Here's a heads up: People will leave.
6. Stop saying hi to people you see in school. None of them will remember you out of school, except in passing, and none of them will ever invite you out.
7. Stop reminding people when your birthday is near, and stop inviting people to your birthday parties. It's not worth it.
8. If you ever hear that someone likes you, ignore it, or ask her out. Do not obsess over it.
9. You were right. It really is better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.
10. You will feel. You will even feel happiness. It may not last, and you'll feel pain when it ends, but cherish it while it lasts.
Salut,
~J
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 3
"Some choices are not choices, but simply the illusion of one."
Day 3: Describe the relationship with your parents
They're my parents. They took care of me when I was younger, and show concern over me, and at the same time, restrict things from me, and only allow me opportunities that they want, and not what I want.
It's kinda hard to describe.
Salut,
~J
Day 3: Describe the relationship with your parents
They're my parents. They took care of me when I was younger, and show concern over me, and at the same time, restrict things from me, and only allow me opportunities that they want, and not what I want.
It's kinda hard to describe.
Salut,
~J
Monday, 11 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 2
"A little bit of fear is healthy. A lot is fatal."
Just finished typing it all up, and hey, it's almost midnight! At least I got this done in time, with... 6 minutes to spare.
Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Fear #1: My Fear Of Heights
I have an odd relationship with my fear of heights. On the one hand, I absolutely love roller coasters, and I have these urges to try skydiving and bungee jumping. On the other hand, I can barely climb on top of a ladder without feeling the need to piss my pants, and just being on a swing is a terrifying experience, when I'm at the top of the arc.
I don't even know when or why this fear manifested itself. All I know is that within a certain range of heights, I can not look down, or I will come close to pissing myself in fear.
Fear #2: My Fear Of Not Being Heard
I suppose this is because I've always been a timid person. Quiet voice, lack of interesting things to say... It's part of why I love my online persona; everyone has an equal chance of being heard, of having their thoughts listened to, and thought about. In meatspace, that doesn't really work out well for me.
Fear #3: My Fear Of Rejection
This is more complicated than it sounds. I don't just mean being rejected by a girl, like if I was to ask a girl out. I mean all kinds of rejection; I almost did not apply to any university because I was too scared of being rejected by any of them, that whatever I did, no matter what I wrote in my application... none of those would be good enough. That I wouldn't be good enough.
This has a more explainable reason. At least, if my theory has any basis to it. Throughout high school, I attempted to ask girls out; or, to be more precise, I would confess to them that I had feelings for them. They weren't put on the spot to go out with me, or anything. I just thought it would be a nice gesture to tell them: They would feel better about themselves (you know, the fact that someone likes them) and I get the burden of keeping it secret off my chest.
Of course, not a single one of them ever reacted well to it. At best, I got ignored, and at worst, I had this girl - who was a really sweet person, and invariably agreed to be the nicest and most innocent girl you would meet - literally swear at me, and tell me to leave her alone. All I did was send her a text saying, "Hey, how are you?" (at least, something to that effect) and I was barely doing it once every three days, let alone everyday.
It also doesn't help that I didn't really have any friends then. To be more precise, I didn't have friends who would include me in anything, excepting times when they had to. Like, I would be there when they were planning a study group, and then accidentally forget to invite me. Every time, too. Plus, I also end up hearing about other gatherings and the like that happened after they happened.
So it comes to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. I don't call people to hang out, I don't really put an effort into keeping up with friends, I don't even really add people on FaceBook. I'm just crippled by this fear of rejection, of not being wanted by anything or anyone.
Salut,
~J
Just finished typing it all up, and hey, it's almost midnight! At least I got this done in time, with... 6 minutes to spare.
Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Fear #1: My Fear Of Heights
I have an odd relationship with my fear of heights. On the one hand, I absolutely love roller coasters, and I have these urges to try skydiving and bungee jumping. On the other hand, I can barely climb on top of a ladder without feeling the need to piss my pants, and just being on a swing is a terrifying experience, when I'm at the top of the arc.
I don't even know when or why this fear manifested itself. All I know is that within a certain range of heights, I can not look down, or I will come close to pissing myself in fear.
Fear #2: My Fear Of Not Being Heard
I suppose this is because I've always been a timid person. Quiet voice, lack of interesting things to say... It's part of why I love my online persona; everyone has an equal chance of being heard, of having their thoughts listened to, and thought about. In meatspace, that doesn't really work out well for me.
Fear #3: My Fear Of Rejection
This is more complicated than it sounds. I don't just mean being rejected by a girl, like if I was to ask a girl out. I mean all kinds of rejection; I almost did not apply to any university because I was too scared of being rejected by any of them, that whatever I did, no matter what I wrote in my application... none of those would be good enough. That I wouldn't be good enough.
This has a more explainable reason. At least, if my theory has any basis to it. Throughout high school, I attempted to ask girls out; or, to be more precise, I would confess to them that I had feelings for them. They weren't put on the spot to go out with me, or anything. I just thought it would be a nice gesture to tell them: They would feel better about themselves (you know, the fact that someone likes them) and I get the burden of keeping it secret off my chest.
Of course, not a single one of them ever reacted well to it. At best, I got ignored, and at worst, I had this girl - who was a really sweet person, and invariably agreed to be the nicest and most innocent girl you would meet - literally swear at me, and tell me to leave her alone. All I did was send her a text saying, "Hey, how are you?" (at least, something to that effect) and I was barely doing it once every three days, let alone everyday.
It also doesn't help that I didn't really have any friends then. To be more precise, I didn't have friends who would include me in anything, excepting times when they had to. Like, I would be there when they were planning a study group, and then accidentally forget to invite me. Every time, too. Plus, I also end up hearing about other gatherings and the like that happened after they happened.
So it comes to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. I don't call people to hang out, I don't really put an effort into keeping up with friends, I don't even really add people on FaceBook. I'm just crippled by this fear of rejection, of not being wanted by anything or anyone.
Salut,
~J
Sunday, 10 November 2013
30 Day Challenge: Day 1
"It's hard to believe some things."
Day 1: List 20 random facts about yourself
1. I don't like making a list about myself.
2. I listen to all kinds of music, though I prefer songs where I can clearly hear the lyrics.
3. I grew up playing the PlayStation.
4. I have OCD.
5. I dislike turning my laptop off.
6. I read a lot.
7. I'm extremely lazy.
8. I should be studying right now for a test I have tomorrow.
9. I like girls with short hair because of Elli, from Harvest Moon: Back To Nature.
10. A lot of my choices in life are because of video games, particularly from my childhood.
11. I think Digimon is better than Pokemon.
12. I'm bad at keeping in contact with people.
13. I have irrational fears.
14. I'm pretty short, and I don't really like it.
15. I'm running out of things to say.
16. I'm not particularly creative.
17. Seeing most of these in the first person is pretty unsettling to me.
18. I'm not good with people giving me attention.
19. I talk a lot because I'm not good in social situations.
20. I love languages, and want my kids to be polyglots.
Salut,
~J
Day 1: List 20 random facts about yourself
1. I don't like making a list about myself.
2. I listen to all kinds of music, though I prefer songs where I can clearly hear the lyrics.
3. I grew up playing the PlayStation.
4. I have OCD.
5. I dislike turning my laptop off.
6. I read a lot.
7. I'm extremely lazy.
8. I should be studying right now for a test I have tomorrow.
9. I like girls with short hair because of Elli, from Harvest Moon: Back To Nature.
10. A lot of my choices in life are because of video games, particularly from my childhood.
11. I think Digimon is better than Pokemon.
12. I'm bad at keeping in contact with people.
13. I have irrational fears.
14. I'm pretty short, and I don't really like it.
15. I'm running out of things to say.
16. I'm not particularly creative.
17. Seeing most of these in the first person is pretty unsettling to me.
18. I'm not good with people giving me attention.
19. I talk a lot because I'm not good in social situations.
20. I love languages, and want my kids to be polyglots.
Salut,
~J
30 Day Challenge
"That's what the bandwagon's for."
Self-explanatory. Let's see if I can keep this up consistently for 30 days.
Self-explanatory. Let's see if I can keep this up consistently for 30 days.
 |
| For reference |
Dovie'andi se tovya sagain. Even though that doesn't really fit here.
Salut,
~J
Ridiculous
"Some things just make no sense."
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?!
YouTube won't let me make any kind of comment until I update my channel? I can't just leave things as they are?!
UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS B.S.!
For God's sake. Of course this would happen tonight. GAH.
Salut,
~J
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?!
YouTube won't let me make any kind of comment until I update my channel? I can't just leave things as they are?!
UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS B.S.!
For God's sake. Of course this would happen tonight. GAH.
Salut,
~J
Powerless
"What about the little guy? What about us, the people with no power? What hope do we have?"
So today happened.
Not much that I planned happened today. First off, I woke up late, and ended up not hanging out with the Waddles. Of course, I slept late the night before, so I guess that was my fault.
I didn't really have much planned other than that. It was great, being able to watch an episode of Ghost Adventures with her again. I missed that. I also walked around campus tonight, because I wanted to watch Elysium.
I was more interested to watch Elysium this weekend, and yet We're The Millers was the better film. There's probably some kind of lesson to be learned in there somewhere, probably about how raising your expectations screws things up for you, but I'm too tired to really think about it.
Tired.
We're becoming close friends, the both of us. I mean, I'm not particularly thrilled by his insistence to always be around, every day and every night, but I suppose we're bonding. Or it could just be a case of Stockholm Syndrome. I don't even know anymore.
Funnily enough, I ended up getting removed from being friends with someone. I wasn't close to her in the slightest, but it was funny how poorly she handled it. All I did was speak out against someone she was close to, and do it quite politely, I might add, and instead of saying anything, or even asking me to stop, boom: I was removed. Very poorly handled.
Well, sarcastically funny, I suppose. Memory lane is just full of hidden pits.
The walk around downtown was nice, though. I liked the little sweaters around some of the trees. It was pretty cute. I wish I had decent photos to put up here, but the phone I have has a crap camera, so you can barely see them anyway.
Which somehow reminds me, I got a new debit card from the bank. Apparently they're changing from Visa to MasterCard, so now I'm stuck with a new card, and now I have to edit all the sites that use my card automatically, like for my phone bill, and Netflix. That's going to be fun. So fun.
Of course, this guy screws up my girls' plans for a friends birthday. He said he'd do the work, even though she said she wanted to do it herself, and by the end of the night, he tells her he was too tired to do it. I was on the phone with her as she cried, and I couldn't do anything about it.
Just a perfect indicator of my purpose in life.
This hoodie is getting warm indoors, but I don't want to take it off. I dunno, it just... it feels like it's the only thing I have left that connects me to her. Wow, that sounds stupider than it was in my head. Oh well, not going to delete that.
It's a different kind of pain. It's like a slow burn. I'm not even sure how to explain it. It's like there's wire gauze around it and is slowly stripping pieces away. Maybe I'm thinking more of sandpaper. I dunno. Maybe I'm just slowly being roasted and dried out. That could be it, too.
I'm worried all this pushing will push me over the edge. Well, again, I mean. Then again, I've been clinging on, even though my fingers are sore, my arms are tired, and I just want to fall into the void, like how it used to be.
Pushed around, pushed away, I'm always just being pushed pushed pushed.
Maybe I'm just always annoying. Not that that would be a surprise to find out. I've hardly ever been charismatic, or charming, or interesting. Added to the fact that I have been called annoying.
I should try just shutting up for a day, see what happens.
Heh. I just looked at my new card, and the new expiry date kinda looks like my birthday. It got an amused smile; I wonder if it was intentional? Probably not, since it's month/year, but still, it was amusing to look at.
Not a good night tonight. FaceBook is being a dickhead and isn't loading, at all. Well, it does load. It just jams up and doesn't allow me to do anything.
Sigh.
I guess Life's telling me to watch TV, or play video games, or something. Though with my luck, that would just end with my TV blowing a fuse, or the arrival of the YLOD. Not gonna risk it. I'll just read, then. At least a Kindle is cheaper, and I can always buy another book.
I'd sleep, but I'd probably end up tearing my bedsheet or something.
Not a good night, indeed.
Salut,
~J
So today happened.
Not much that I planned happened today. First off, I woke up late, and ended up not hanging out with the Waddles. Of course, I slept late the night before, so I guess that was my fault.
I didn't really have much planned other than that. It was great, being able to watch an episode of Ghost Adventures with her again. I missed that. I also walked around campus tonight, because I wanted to watch Elysium.
I was more interested to watch Elysium this weekend, and yet We're The Millers was the better film. There's probably some kind of lesson to be learned in there somewhere, probably about how raising your expectations screws things up for you, but I'm too tired to really think about it.
Tired.
We're becoming close friends, the both of us. I mean, I'm not particularly thrilled by his insistence to always be around, every day and every night, but I suppose we're bonding. Or it could just be a case of Stockholm Syndrome. I don't even know anymore.
Funnily enough, I ended up getting removed from being friends with someone. I wasn't close to her in the slightest, but it was funny how poorly she handled it. All I did was speak out against someone she was close to, and do it quite politely, I might add, and instead of saying anything, or even asking me to stop, boom: I was removed. Very poorly handled.
Well, sarcastically funny, I suppose. Memory lane is just full of hidden pits.
The walk around downtown was nice, though. I liked the little sweaters around some of the trees. It was pretty cute. I wish I had decent photos to put up here, but the phone I have has a crap camera, so you can barely see them anyway.
Which somehow reminds me, I got a new debit card from the bank. Apparently they're changing from Visa to MasterCard, so now I'm stuck with a new card, and now I have to edit all the sites that use my card automatically, like for my phone bill, and Netflix. That's going to be fun. So fun.
Of course, this guy screws up my girls' plans for a friends birthday. He said he'd do the work, even though she said she wanted to do it herself, and by the end of the night, he tells her he was too tired to do it. I was on the phone with her as she cried, and I couldn't do anything about it.
Just a perfect indicator of my purpose in life.
This hoodie is getting warm indoors, but I don't want to take it off. I dunno, it just... it feels like it's the only thing I have left that connects me to her. Wow, that sounds stupider than it was in my head. Oh well, not going to delete that.
It's a different kind of pain. It's like a slow burn. I'm not even sure how to explain it. It's like there's wire gauze around it and is slowly stripping pieces away. Maybe I'm thinking more of sandpaper. I dunno. Maybe I'm just slowly being roasted and dried out. That could be it, too.
I'm worried all this pushing will push me over the edge. Well, again, I mean. Then again, I've been clinging on, even though my fingers are sore, my arms are tired, and I just want to fall into the void, like how it used to be.
Pushed around, pushed away, I'm always just being pushed pushed pushed.
Maybe I'm just always annoying. Not that that would be a surprise to find out. I've hardly ever been charismatic, or charming, or interesting. Added to the fact that I have been called annoying.
I should try just shutting up for a day, see what happens.
Heh. I just looked at my new card, and the new expiry date kinda looks like my birthday. It got an amused smile; I wonder if it was intentional? Probably not, since it's month/year, but still, it was amusing to look at.
Not a good night tonight. FaceBook is being a dickhead and isn't loading, at all. Well, it does load. It just jams up and doesn't allow me to do anything.
Sigh.
I guess Life's telling me to watch TV, or play video games, or something. Though with my luck, that would just end with my TV blowing a fuse, or the arrival of the YLOD. Not gonna risk it. I'll just read, then. At least a Kindle is cheaper, and I can always buy another book.
I'd sleep, but I'd probably end up tearing my bedsheet or something.
Not a good night, indeed.
Salut,
~J
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Friday, the new Monday
"Run, run, run. Run when you're tired, run while you can; run for Time waits for no man."
It's one of those weeks. I can't even remember what day it is half the time. For over half the week, I kept thinking it was the wrong day. I thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, that it was Monday on Wednesday, that it was Friday on Thursday and could barely remember that it really was Friday today.
I hate it when my mind goes all stupid like this.
I think it was all the caffeine I've been drinking.
I had a quiz today, which I almost didn't study for. I only remembered I had it last night, and I barely studied, but hey, at least I studied. Hopefully I got the stuff all correct. I felt like I did, but what do I know. I thought I did pretty decently for my programming midterm, and I failed it. I felt more confident about the midterm last Tuesday, but all I can do is just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
I should be typing out the notes for my class. Well. Not should be; the social site is awesome and all, and I'm sure a ton of people didn't quite get the notes, since the slides went phenomenally quickly, and I kinda feel bad about not sharing them but... I dunno. I don't feel bothered to do it.
Maybe I'll wait until someone asks for it. That's what I usually do, anyway.
Listening to One Week on Spotify right now; I have no idea how I survived without it. I need music to continuously play in the background. I mean, I didn't, or more like, I used to need it, and then I didn't, and now-
You know what, I'd rather not continue that. It's giving me headache.
So where was I again? Oh right. Spotify. I have like, Jack's Mannequin, Sum 41, Barenaked Ladies, Something Corporate, Secondhand Serenade... I just realized I don't have Axis of Awesome on my playlist. I should have them.
Maybe later. If I remember.
I watched "We're the Millers" earlier today. It was a better film than I thought it would be. Pretty hilarious, and even though it didn't start being good until like, 20 or so minutes in, when it got going, it was great. I loved how even though you know what's going to happen, they still managed to pull it off well.
Definitely would recommend it.
I might watch Elysium tomorrow night. Depends on how tired I am.
This might actually be a pretty busy weekend. I'll be spending tomorrow with the Waddles, and I have that meeting on Sunday. I'm both anticipating and dreading all of this.
I'm just so tired.
Speaking of which, I feel like I should sleep now. It's not like I'm doing anything productive, even though I have a damn midterm on Monday.
I'll just wing it. Worst-case scenario: I'll answer the French paper in Malay. I'm sure that'll work.
Salut,
~J
It's one of those weeks. I can't even remember what day it is half the time. For over half the week, I kept thinking it was the wrong day. I thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, that it was Monday on Wednesday, that it was Friday on Thursday and could barely remember that it really was Friday today.
I hate it when my mind goes all stupid like this.
I think it was all the caffeine I've been drinking.
I had a quiz today, which I almost didn't study for. I only remembered I had it last night, and I barely studied, but hey, at least I studied. Hopefully I got the stuff all correct. I felt like I did, but what do I know. I thought I did pretty decently for my programming midterm, and I failed it. I felt more confident about the midterm last Tuesday, but all I can do is just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
I should be typing out the notes for my class. Well. Not should be; the social site is awesome and all, and I'm sure a ton of people didn't quite get the notes, since the slides went phenomenally quickly, and I kinda feel bad about not sharing them but... I dunno. I don't feel bothered to do it.
Maybe I'll wait until someone asks for it. That's what I usually do, anyway.
Listening to One Week on Spotify right now; I have no idea how I survived without it. I need music to continuously play in the background. I mean, I didn't, or more like, I used to need it, and then I didn't, and now-
You know what, I'd rather not continue that. It's giving me headache.
So where was I again? Oh right. Spotify. I have like, Jack's Mannequin, Sum 41, Barenaked Ladies, Something Corporate, Secondhand Serenade... I just realized I don't have Axis of Awesome on my playlist. I should have them.
Maybe later. If I remember.
I watched "We're the Millers" earlier today. It was a better film than I thought it would be. Pretty hilarious, and even though it didn't start being good until like, 20 or so minutes in, when it got going, it was great. I loved how even though you know what's going to happen, they still managed to pull it off well.
Definitely would recommend it.
I might watch Elysium tomorrow night. Depends on how tired I am.
This might actually be a pretty busy weekend. I'll be spending tomorrow with the Waddles, and I have that meeting on Sunday. I'm both anticipating and dreading all of this.
I'm just so tired.
Speaking of which, I feel like I should sleep now. It's not like I'm doing anything productive, even though I have a damn midterm on Monday.
I'll just wing it. Worst-case scenario: I'll answer the French paper in Malay. I'm sure that'll work.
Salut,
~J
Friday, 8 November 2013
Poundings
"Even the strongest have their moments of weakness, and I'm not that strong."
Two days of late afternoon coffee drinks has messed up my hormonal system.
I should sleep, before my head explodes. I need to.
Goddammit.
Salut,
~J
Two days of late afternoon coffee drinks has messed up my hormonal system.
I should sleep, before my head explodes. I need to.
Goddammit.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Catharsis.
"There's only so much bending it can do."
I've been hiding from the truth
I've been battered, been broken, been buried now I'm death proof.
Jack's Mannequin is speaking to me, better than ever before.
I miss this.
I missed feeling the urge to write.
The urge to spew words down, the urge to have volumes and volumes written down, regardless of how good or bad they are.
It's just...
That urge itself. I missed it.
I don't even remember the trade-off anymore.
I mean, it was obvious, when I lost it. It's not so clear now, though.
Write, write, write.
I'm even starting my story, for once. The one that has been on the back burner for years. Maybe even close to a decade. I can't even remember the last time I actually needed to write a story. A story.
At least three years now. Maybe longer. Probably longer.
Painful realizations are hard to swallow. Hard to accept. Hard to face down.
But it's not as if it frees you. Maybe sometime in the future. But not while it's there.
The creativity is flowing. Well, beginning its trickle. I can start seeing the shapes and forms of half-envisioned poems. The stirrings of imagination, the breath of reanimation of my creative shadow, all of it starting to rouse.
I was convinced that it was dead. Or in a coma, at least. I guess, all this time, it was really just hibernating.
My confidence is in crisis mode,
Well your fingertips they know the code.
And frankly, I'm scared.
Salut,
~J
I've been hiding from the truth
I've been battered, been broken, been buried now I'm death proof.
Jack's Mannequin is speaking to me, better than ever before.
I miss this.
I missed feeling the urge to write.
The urge to spew words down, the urge to have volumes and volumes written down, regardless of how good or bad they are.
It's just...
That urge itself. I missed it.
I don't even remember the trade-off anymore.
I mean, it was obvious, when I lost it. It's not so clear now, though.
Write, write, write.
I'm even starting my story, for once. The one that has been on the back burner for years. Maybe even close to a decade. I can't even remember the last time I actually needed to write a story. A story.
At least three years now. Maybe longer. Probably longer.
Painful realizations are hard to swallow. Hard to accept. Hard to face down.
But it's not as if it frees you. Maybe sometime in the future. But not while it's there.
The creativity is flowing. Well, beginning its trickle. I can start seeing the shapes and forms of half-envisioned poems. The stirrings of imagination, the breath of reanimation of my creative shadow, all of it starting to rouse.
I was convinced that it was dead. Or in a coma, at least. I guess, all this time, it was really just hibernating.
My confidence is in crisis mode,
Well your fingertips they know the code.
And frankly, I'm scared.
Salut,
~J
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
That's how it goes
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity."
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so dumb in everything. I should just stop.
Salut,
~J
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so dumb in everything. I should just stop.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 19 September 2013
You reap what you sow
"Life doesn't need to be fair."
This has been a shitty week. Granted, 90% of it is my own damn fault, from my own actions and stupidity.
Listening to an old Westlife song that always cheered me up, even though the subject matter is pretty... bleak. Might just be nostalgia, but it always used to work.
Making things worse now, though.
I'm sorry.
Salut,
~J
This has been a shitty week. Granted, 90% of it is my own damn fault, from my own actions and stupidity.
Listening to an old Westlife song that always cheered me up, even though the subject matter is pretty... bleak. Might just be nostalgia, but it always used to work.
Making things worse now, though.
I'm sorry.
Salut,
~J
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Past is the past
"History makes fools of us all."
I miss the days when life didn't feel complicated, when I could just pick up the controller and get lost in Harvest Moon or Digimon World 2.
And sometimes, I really miss those days.
Salut,
~J
I miss the days when life didn't feel complicated, when I could just pick up the controller and get lost in Harvest Moon or Digimon World 2.
And sometimes, I really miss those days.
Salut,
~J
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Midnight ramblings
"Sometimes, words aren't enough."
It's 1:30 AM, and I'm so tired. My last day of internship is tomorrow (today?) and I have to drive at an ungodly hour. 6:30 AM. Why oh why do I have to go to a court case. But I suppose that's life. I suppose.
I also have to prep myself up for a briefing on how to do research for the other interns (who apparently are useless; I don't get it, though. All we (I and another intern who's also giving the briefing/lecture) do is Google).
I can't wait for this to finish. Not that I hated the work. I just missed being with my girl during the day.
Is this how work will be like? Oh dear God.
In other news, a buddy will be arriving at the airport tomorrow. Instead of the next day, as I thought he would be. Uh. Oops? Guess I'll need to ask my Mum to pick him up. Swell.
Okay, I really need my sleep.
Salut,
~J
P.S. I'm probably going to get a launch PS4 system. Dude, that thing is amazingly amazing. Frigging Playroom and Second Son. Dude.
It's 1:30 AM, and I'm so tired. My last day of internship is tomorrow (today?) and I have to drive at an ungodly hour. 6:30 AM. Why oh why do I have to go to a court case. But I suppose that's life. I suppose.
I also have to prep myself up for a briefing on how to do research for the other interns (who apparently are useless; I don't get it, though. All we (I and another intern who's also giving the briefing/lecture) do is Google).
I can't wait for this to finish. Not that I hated the work. I just missed being with my girl during the day.
Is this how work will be like? Oh dear God.
In other news, a buddy will be arriving at the airport tomorrow. Instead of the next day, as I thought he would be. Uh. Oops? Guess I'll need to ask my Mum to pick him up. Swell.
Okay, I really need my sleep.
Salut,
~J
P.S. I'm probably going to get a launch PS4 system. Dude, that thing is amazingly amazing. Frigging Playroom and Second Son. Dude.
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Undead Plague
"Wouldn't zombies like, rot after a while?"
This blog is like an uncommitted zombie. It's alive, dies quietly for a bit, reemerges as a zombie, flailing around trying to act all tough and menacing and relevant, and then it rots away. Until some twisted necromancer decides to bring it back to life and, instead of making it useful, forces it to stay a rotting animated corpse.
Okay, I basically lost my train of thought there. I forgot where I was going with this, but oh well.
I'm doing an internship at the moment, which is pretty fun and all. Kinda. I guess. I mean, I like the experience, but the downside is that I don't get to see my baby girl. It's a terrible trade-off. Makes me wish that I decided against doing this, but what can I do, eh?
Speaking of my baby girl, the two of us were part of USAPPS, which is basically a non-profit student-run organization for students who want to study in the States, but aren't sure what it'll involve, or the pathways involved to study there. It was fun, especially considering the fact that most of the time was spent with me being with her. Yay!
I miss her. Right now, I'm stuck at home because my Dad has the car (not that I could use it, anyway; I've been spending too much time out so I'm essentially under house arrest for the weekend) and I can't go see her.
Afhsdgvghdsavgdfhsnadcvasncfs.
So frustrating.
Anyway, my life has been boring, so there really isn't much to update. Until next time, perhaps?
Salut,
~JC
This blog is like an uncommitted zombie. It's alive, dies quietly for a bit, reemerges as a zombie, flailing around trying to act all tough and menacing and relevant, and then it rots away. Until some twisted necromancer decides to bring it back to life and, instead of making it useful, forces it to stay a rotting animated corpse.
Okay, I basically lost my train of thought there. I forgot where I was going with this, but oh well.
I'm doing an internship at the moment, which is pretty fun and all. Kinda. I guess. I mean, I like the experience, but the downside is that I don't get to see my baby girl. It's a terrible trade-off. Makes me wish that I decided against doing this, but what can I do, eh?
Speaking of my baby girl, the two of us were part of USAPPS, which is basically a non-profit student-run organization for students who want to study in the States, but aren't sure what it'll involve, or the pathways involved to study there. It was fun, especially considering the fact that most of the time was spent with me being with her. Yay!
I miss her. Right now, I'm stuck at home because my Dad has the car (not that I could use it, anyway; I've been spending too much time out so I'm essentially under house arrest for the weekend) and I can't go see her.
Afhsdgvghdsavgdfhsnadcvasncfs.
So frustrating.
Anyway, my life has been boring, so there really isn't much to update. Until next time, perhaps?
Salut,
~JC
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Sleep, interrupted.
"Do cyborgs dream of half robot sheep? How does that work, anyway? Sheep with red laser eyes and machine guns mounted on their backs?"
I'm so tired right now.
It's been a long long long day. I woke up late, went to the gym (I haven't worked out in so, so long) and then went to my girlfriend's house. Well, I went to her house earlier, just to bring her some porridge (she's sick, sadly; I really hope she gets better soon). The coming over to her house again after the gym session was an impromptu and completely unplanned. Still, I missed her, so I'm not complaining about getting to see more of her!
I got back, had dinner, and then spent quite a bit of time going through Yahtzee's Zero Punctuation videos and Extra Punctuation articles. I haven't watched and read his stuff in ages. I'm glad I'm watching them again. I missed going through quality (at least, I find them full of quality) game reviews, as well as his discussions in his articles.
Speaking of gaming, I was going to go on a rant about the XBO and MicroSoft's stupidity. I was also going to talk about how they didn't really fix things with their sudden 180 reversal. Not to mention their blatant lies.
But I'm too tired, and my baby is staying up just to read this. So I'm going to post it up here, anyway. I guess the post title is stupid now, but meh. Oh. Wait. I'll just change it anyway, so none of you will understand what I'm talking about!
Mwahahaha.
Until my next post, anyway. Oh well.
It's 2 AM. Past 2 AM, actually. And I'm so tired.
Good night, readers.
Salut,
~J
I'm so tired right now.
It's been a long long long day. I woke up late, went to the gym (I haven't worked out in so, so long) and then went to my girlfriend's house. Well, I went to her house earlier, just to bring her some porridge (she's sick, sadly; I really hope she gets better soon). The coming over to her house again after the gym session was an impromptu and completely unplanned. Still, I missed her, so I'm not complaining about getting to see more of her!
I got back, had dinner, and then spent quite a bit of time going through Yahtzee's Zero Punctuation videos and Extra Punctuation articles. I haven't watched and read his stuff in ages. I'm glad I'm watching them again. I missed going through quality (at least, I find them full of quality) game reviews, as well as his discussions in his articles.
Speaking of gaming, I was going to go on a rant about the XBO and MicroSoft's stupidity. I was also going to talk about how they didn't really fix things with their sudden 180 reversal. Not to mention their blatant lies.
But I'm too tired, and my baby is staying up just to read this. So I'm going to post it up here, anyway. I guess the post title is stupid now, but meh. Oh. Wait. I'll just change it anyway, so none of you will understand what I'm talking about!
Mwahahaha.
Until my next post, anyway. Oh well.
It's 2 AM. Past 2 AM, actually. And I'm so tired.
Good night, readers.
Salut,
~J
Friday, 19 April 2013
Ol' King Coal
"When you screw up, things either improve because of it, or they get broken beyond repair."
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a big barrel of coal. Sure, you'll find the odd diamond here and there, and maybe if you put in pressure, you'll get even better than with what you started, but for the most part, everything is just ugly, dirty, stupid, insensitive coal.
I'm such a screw up. I don't know why I keep breaking things that I shouldn't be breaking.
I wonder. What is wrong with me?
Sigh.
I wish I knew.
Salut,
~J
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a big barrel of coal. Sure, you'll find the odd diamond here and there, and maybe if you put in pressure, you'll get even better than with what you started, but for the most part, everything is just ugly, dirty, stupid, insensitive coal.
I'm such a screw up. I don't know why I keep breaking things that I shouldn't be breaking.
I wonder. What is wrong with me?
Sigh.
I wish I knew.
Salut,
~J
Saturday, 13 April 2013
And round and round it goes.
"Things begin, end, begin and end. It's a cycle that never ever ends."
So right now I'm sick. Sick is a pretty strong word, though. To clarify, I currently have a headache.
It doesn't help that I woke up really late this morning. It was early for me, but I was supposed to meet with people to go out at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 10-ish. Sure, I had a headache, but still. I shouldn't have kept them waiting.
I've been going through the blogs on the right. About half of them are discontinued, basically, but it's still a nice way for me to pass the time, reading up things I used to enjoy reading back when they were regularly updated. Overheard Lines was definitely a favorite. I felt sad once it stopped being updated regularly, but life goes on. I went through their archives and found one that it still my favorite. I still remembered how it went, but reading it again... Well, it was a nice laugh.
For reference: http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/2005/03/man-walking-by-on-street-context.html
You don't have to find it as hilarious as I do, just felt like sharing it. I find it amusing that my humor still is pretty similar to how I was four years ago. Wait, did I say amusing? I mean horrifying. I'm glad my personality isn't as bad as it was then, or else I still wouldn't have any friends. I mean, seriously, my humor is crap.
I've been putting off from doing my placement test for French for the past month. I guess I'm just terrified of being told how bad my French is now. Language is the only skill I feel like I have any kind of power over. My deluded illusion that I could write has shattered. The aspirations I had for the arts (dancing, singing, playing instruments) are lying in the gutter. Even the belief that I was any good at Math has started to fade. I guess I should be glad that I'm still not living with any of these false realities; I'm bad at them, and at least now I know it. So forgive me if I'm still terrified about finding out that my language skills are just as bad.
At the way things in my life has been going this year, that's probably what will happen. I've screwed things up almost beyond repair. I've lost things important to me. I've become disenchanted with the real world. My only solace is in the shows I'm watching (most of which are ending soon). I get my heart ripped out once or twice a day or so. I've become less and less inclined to care about my well-being. I mean, what is there for me? A future with people who dislike, can't stand, or at best, can't trust me? A world where nothing I do really goes right? A scenario of things never really going my way?
Ugh. I haven't reached there yet. Things still might look up. Might. There's still the second half of the year to look forward to.
Sigh.
J'haine ma vie. Et tout en il.
Salut,
~J
So right now I'm sick. Sick is a pretty strong word, though. To clarify, I currently have a headache.
It doesn't help that I woke up really late this morning. It was early for me, but I was supposed to meet with people to go out at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 10-ish. Sure, I had a headache, but still. I shouldn't have kept them waiting.
I've been going through the blogs on the right. About half of them are discontinued, basically, but it's still a nice way for me to pass the time, reading up things I used to enjoy reading back when they were regularly updated. Overheard Lines was definitely a favorite. I felt sad once it stopped being updated regularly, but life goes on. I went through their archives and found one that it still my favorite. I still remembered how it went, but reading it again... Well, it was a nice laugh.
For reference: http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/2005/03/man-walking-by-on-street-context.html
You don't have to find it as hilarious as I do, just felt like sharing it. I find it amusing that my humor still is pretty similar to how I was four years ago. Wait, did I say amusing? I mean horrifying. I'm glad my personality isn't as bad as it was then, or else I still wouldn't have any friends. I mean, seriously, my humor is crap.
I've been putting off from doing my placement test for French for the past month. I guess I'm just terrified of being told how bad my French is now. Language is the only skill I feel like I have any kind of power over. My deluded illusion that I could write has shattered. The aspirations I had for the arts (dancing, singing, playing instruments) are lying in the gutter. Even the belief that I was any good at Math has started to fade. I guess I should be glad that I'm still not living with any of these false realities; I'm bad at them, and at least now I know it. So forgive me if I'm still terrified about finding out that my language skills are just as bad.
At the way things in my life has been going this year, that's probably what will happen. I've screwed things up almost beyond repair. I've lost things important to me. I've become disenchanted with the real world. My only solace is in the shows I'm watching (most of which are ending soon). I get my heart ripped out once or twice a day or so. I've become less and less inclined to care about my well-being. I mean, what is there for me? A future with people who dislike, can't stand, or at best, can't trust me? A world where nothing I do really goes right? A scenario of things never really going my way?
Ugh. I haven't reached there yet. Things still might look up. Might. There's still the second half of the year to look forward to.
Sigh.
J'haine ma vie. Et tout en il.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 11 April 2013
The trickle of raindrops
"They say raindrops are the tears of angels."
It's beginning to rain again. Well, technically it "rained" a lot, if you count snow as rain. Which it is, kinda. I find it really interesting that it seemed to be raining everywhere at around the same time. Friends in other states were complaining about the downpour. Friends in the UK mentioned that there were drizzles. Back home, I heard that there was a flood from all the rain.
Raining everywhere, all at the same time. That is just really interesting.
Of course, the rain had both its good and bad parts. I loved how cold it was, and how the wind blew against me. I loved the feeling of being frozen, of fighting for breath, and for life. What I didn't like, though, was the wetness. I really didn't like that. It wasn't as bad as when it was snowing though, so there's that.
Things are getting harder and harder for me. At least they have been, lately. I'm beginning to think that I won't be able to pass Cal III (or at least, get more than a B). Microeconomics and Linear Algebra are completely hit-or-miss, so I'm really worried about getting a B+ or higher for both of those classes. Rhetoric is the only thing I'm pretty confident with. Hopefully I'll get an A, but I could just as easily get an A-. We'll see, I suppose.
I miss being able to go on Twitter. I miss the free feeling of being able to Tweet, ReTweet, Favorite and just read Tweets. I can't anymore, though. Each time I go on, I'm reminded of why I left in the first place. I'm reminded of who I'm not, who I'm supposed to be, who I wished I could be. And it just... hurts.
Sigh.
Well, it's almost 2:30 AM here. I'll be going to sleep pretty soon.
Salut,
~J
It's beginning to rain again. Well, technically it "rained" a lot, if you count snow as rain. Which it is, kinda. I find it really interesting that it seemed to be raining everywhere at around the same time. Friends in other states were complaining about the downpour. Friends in the UK mentioned that there were drizzles. Back home, I heard that there was a flood from all the rain.
Raining everywhere, all at the same time. That is just really interesting.
Of course, the rain had both its good and bad parts. I loved how cold it was, and how the wind blew against me. I loved the feeling of being frozen, of fighting for breath, and for life. What I didn't like, though, was the wetness. I really didn't like that. It wasn't as bad as when it was snowing though, so there's that.
Things are getting harder and harder for me. At least they have been, lately. I'm beginning to think that I won't be able to pass Cal III (or at least, get more than a B). Microeconomics and Linear Algebra are completely hit-or-miss, so I'm really worried about getting a B+ or higher for both of those classes. Rhetoric is the only thing I'm pretty confident with. Hopefully I'll get an A, but I could just as easily get an A-. We'll see, I suppose.
I miss being able to go on Twitter. I miss the free feeling of being able to Tweet, ReTweet, Favorite and just read Tweets. I can't anymore, though. Each time I go on, I'm reminded of why I left in the first place. I'm reminded of who I'm not, who I'm supposed to be, who I wished I could be. And it just... hurts.
Sigh.
Well, it's almost 2:30 AM here. I'll be going to sleep pretty soon.
Salut,
~J
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Procrastinating the inevitable
"Sometimes, I like to be productive. Thank God that hasn't happened in years."
It's 12:57 AM, Central Time, as I write this. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, multi-tasking Skype, YouTube, FaceBook, TvTropes, and blogging, and I haven't prayed yet.
Also, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have a Cal III exam tomorrow night, which I feel woefully underprepared for.
Just great, isn't it?
Also, I have - well, had - a Futurama marathon session today. In the middle of Season 2 now, in fact. Arrow has finished downloading (I can't wait until I get cable or satellite, so I can actually give the shows I watch ratings) and I'm planning on watching that.
I see a future of not studying/cramming for this exam.
I feel like I should make some tea. Part caffeine, part procrastination, part hunger.
Gah.
Come on, self. Study. You know you have to.
But I don't want to.
Doesn't it just suck, when you have to do something really really urgently, but everything is telling you to put it off for later?
Come on, get your head in the game, man.
I guess I ought to make something to eat, or something. While I'm at it.
Study time! (I hope)
Salut,
~J
It's 12:57 AM, Central Time, as I write this. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, multi-tasking Skype, YouTube, FaceBook, TvTropes, and blogging, and I haven't prayed yet.
Also, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have a Cal III exam tomorrow night, which I feel woefully underprepared for.
Just great, isn't it?
Also, I have - well, had - a Futurama marathon session today. In the middle of Season 2 now, in fact. Arrow has finished downloading (I can't wait until I get cable or satellite, so I can actually give the shows I watch ratings) and I'm planning on watching that.
I see a future of not studying/cramming for this exam.
I feel like I should make some tea. Part caffeine, part procrastination, part hunger.
Gah.
Come on, self. Study. You know you have to.
But I don't want to.
Doesn't it just suck, when you have to do something really really urgently, but everything is telling you to put it off for later?
Come on, get your head in the game, man.
I guess I ought to make something to eat, or something. While I'm at it.
Study time! (I hope)
Salut,
~J
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Secrets and Memories
"We come into the world alone, from the dark, and we leave into the darkness, alone once again."
In retrospect, I shouldn't have opened the door. It's not like it matters anymore.
Salut,
~J
In retrospect, I shouldn't have opened the door. It's not like it matters anymore.
Salut,
~J
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Dark Blue
"Do good because you ought to, not because you wish it unto yourself."
It's just over 1 AM on a Friday night (Saturday morning?) and... I've never felt so alone in my life.
Salut,
~J
It's just over 1 AM on a Friday night (Saturday morning?) and... I've never felt so alone in my life.
Salut,
~J
Friday, 22 February 2013
Centennial-in-progress
"Everything has a beginning, and an end. Nothing lasts forever, because if it did, it wouldn't have any worth or value."
The 100th post. I never thought I'd ever actually get close to this, what with my sporadic posts. Well, this just might be my last post, ever. End on number 100, right?
But I don't really want to end this blog yet. I mean, I probably won't post anything for weeks to months at a time, but that doesn't mean it won't have any kind of activity, ever.
People have pretty much ignored this. Which is good; now I can actually write what I want to write. As for the few who do read this, well, good for you, for being privy to my thoughts. It's not as if your idea of how I am matters to me.
I'm busy listening to this playlist I have on YouTube. Most of them are sad songs, though, so I'm not really sure why I'm listening to them.
Maybe it's because I read somewhere that listening to sad songs when you're sad will help move you out of that sad feeling.
Or maybe I'm remembering it wrongly.
I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things. I mess up a lot of things. I hurt a lot of people. I'm just a ball of disappointment, rolling around causing pain and disappointment to everyone I know. I can't even get her to smile without screwing up in some other way.
My social life is barely alive. My love life is screwed nine ways to Sunday. My finances are unstable and uncertain. My academics are barely breathing.
I just... want this fear, this doubt, this uncertainty, to end. I just want all of it to end.
"I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space. Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I'm sleeping."
Please, doctor. I need to know.
Salut,
~J
The 100th post. I never thought I'd ever actually get close to this, what with my sporadic posts. Well, this just might be my last post, ever. End on number 100, right?
But I don't really want to end this blog yet. I mean, I probably won't post anything for weeks to months at a time, but that doesn't mean it won't have any kind of activity, ever.
People have pretty much ignored this. Which is good; now I can actually write what I want to write. As for the few who do read this, well, good for you, for being privy to my thoughts. It's not as if your idea of how I am matters to me.
I'm busy listening to this playlist I have on YouTube. Most of them are sad songs, though, so I'm not really sure why I'm listening to them.
Maybe it's because I read somewhere that listening to sad songs when you're sad will help move you out of that sad feeling.
Or maybe I'm remembering it wrongly.
I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things. I mess up a lot of things. I hurt a lot of people. I'm just a ball of disappointment, rolling around causing pain and disappointment to everyone I know. I can't even get her to smile without screwing up in some other way.
My social life is barely alive. My love life is screwed nine ways to Sunday. My finances are unstable and uncertain. My academics are barely breathing.
I just... want this fear, this doubt, this uncertainty, to end. I just want all of it to end.
"I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space. Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I'm sleeping."
Please, doctor. I need to know.
Salut,
~J
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
All These Feels
"There's always a cry for help. You just have to know what to look for."
I'm listening to all these songs, seeing all these conversations, reading all of these pictures that are just... putting me closer to despair. I dunno, I just... it's so hard sometimes. It's hard, putting up that brave and happy facade. Pretending that I'm being myself, when it's just another front. Not saying what I really want to say because of how it'll affect someone else. Not having someone who won't be affected.
It's why I used to love Twitter. I was there, and no one I knew followed me, or even knew of its existence. I could just say whatever I wanted. Then one person found me. Then another. And another. Before you know it, a ton of friends are following me, and I have to once again create the persona that everyone knows me by. Once again I have to pretend that I'm not someone who I was.
That's when I began spamming retweets and minute-by-minute Tweets. It was an attempt to get people to unfollow, and to make it harder to find the real nuggets that was me within everything.
I'm tired.
Tired of pretending that I'm fine. Tired of smiling, of "being happy".
But if I'm not, people ask. People question. People start thinking that they have to do something, that they have to advise me in some way.
That when I start ranting and raving and come close to tears, people don't listen, or don't care, and when they do, they have their own problems, and I'm just another burden.
I resent that this blog is known by people I know, because one of them might eventually read this post. Then they'll start asking questions, trying to reach out to me.
I don't want it. Not anymore. Please respect that.
Honestly? I haven't been. Not in a long, long time. And the brief period when I was, I had to go and screw it up. Thanks a lot, self, for being an A-class Asshole.
Clouds, Bullet and Believe are on repeat.
I still have this, from a site I used to regularly visit.
The world is our oyster. Remember that.
Salut,
~J
I'm listening to all these songs, seeing all these conversations, reading all of these pictures that are just... putting me closer to despair. I dunno, I just... it's so hard sometimes. It's hard, putting up that brave and happy facade. Pretending that I'm being myself, when it's just another front. Not saying what I really want to say because of how it'll affect someone else. Not having someone who won't be affected.
It's why I used to love Twitter. I was there, and no one I knew followed me, or even knew of its existence. I could just say whatever I wanted. Then one person found me. Then another. And another. Before you know it, a ton of friends are following me, and I have to once again create the persona that everyone knows me by. Once again I have to pretend that I'm not someone who I was.
That's when I began spamming retweets and minute-by-minute Tweets. It was an attempt to get people to unfollow, and to make it harder to find the real nuggets that was me within everything.
I'm tired.
Tired of pretending that I'm fine. Tired of smiling, of "being happy".
But if I'm not, people ask. People question. People start thinking that they have to do something, that they have to advise me in some way.
That when I start ranting and raving and come close to tears, people don't listen, or don't care, and when they do, they have their own problems, and I'm just another burden.
I resent that this blog is known by people I know, because one of them might eventually read this post. Then they'll start asking questions, trying to reach out to me.
I don't want it. Not anymore. Please respect that.
Honestly? I haven't been. Not in a long, long time. And the brief period when I was, I had to go and screw it up. Thanks a lot, self, for being an A-class Asshole.
Clouds, Bullet and Believe are on repeat.
I still have this, from a site I used to regularly visit.
The world is our oyster. Remember that.
Salut,
~J
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Perfect ending for the perfect birthday.
"It's just another year older, another candle added, another notch notched. No big deal."
So.
I'm 20 now.
La-dee-da-dee-da.
I feel so old now.
I know, I'm only 20. Still, I just feel like I've passed this barrier, that I'm actually supposed to grow up. I guess it's about time I really did that.
It... hasn't been a good year. Especially the past couple of months.
I screwed up.
No, I fucked up.
And I'll probably never be able to fix this.
...
I truly am sorry. For everything.
Salut,
~J
So.
I'm 20 now.
La-dee-da-dee-da.
I feel so old now.
I know, I'm only 20. Still, I just feel like I've passed this barrier, that I'm actually supposed to grow up. I guess it's about time I really did that.
It... hasn't been a good year. Especially the past couple of months.
I screwed up.
No, I fucked up.
And I'll probably never be able to fix this.
...
I truly am sorry. For everything.
Salut,
~J
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